The coping mechanisms employed by a child in response to grief are as unique as the child themselves, irrespective of the magnitude of the loss. The manner in which children handle grief can impact their interactions and daily routines significantly. This underscores the importance for parents and caregivers to familiarize themselves with the strategies discussed in this article to effectively support a grieving child.
Children exhibit their sorrow following a loss in various ways. While commonplace losses like transitioning to a new school or a friend relocating may affect individuals differently, the loss of a parent, for instance, can be profoundly distressing.
Understanding a child’s grief expressions and responding appropriately can be a challenging task for adults. Due to the distinctive nature of children’s emotional responses post-loss, deciphering their grieving process can be intricate.
In October 2017, my children encountered an unimaginable loss with the sudden passing of my husband due to a heart attack. At ages two and four during the tragic event, each child coped with the news in a distinct manner. Even years later, the impact of their father’s demise continues to manifest uniquely in each of them. I have had to educate myself on recognizing grief indicators and formulating suitable reactions. The alleviation of a child’s grief can be facilitated through five key approaches.
1. Embrace Honesty and Transparency
Many adults tend to overlook or downplay a child’s sadness, possibly believing that shielding them from loss is protective. However, this approach may have adverse effects.
Adults should employ straightforward and developmentally-appropriate language when discussing the loss with children. For instance, in explaining death to my kids, I used phrases suitable for their age like “Daddy went to live with Jesus in heaven.” Younger children, with a limited grasp of loss, might require repeated explanations.
Allow children to raise questions at their own pace. Some children may not be ready to engage in conversations immediately after the loss, and that is acceptable. It is crucial to be honest and direct in responses, assuring the child that discussions will occur when the time is right. While it is acceptable to admit uncertainty, make an effort to continue the dialogue promptly. If answers are elusive, a simple “This is what I think” suffices.
2. Recognize Grief Symptoms
Children’s responses to news of a death vary widely. Particularly, younger children may seek distraction through play, which does not imply a lack of emotion but rather an inability to confront their grief at the moment. Children’s reactions to loss may differ from those of adults and siblings.
Some children may feel inclined to express their grief openly, while others may choose to remain silent. Variances in behavior such as overprotectiveness, anxiety, social withdrawal, or exclusive peer interactions may surface. Sensitivity to the diverse ways in which children articulate their grief is crucial when interacting with them.
It is essential to acknowledge that children grieve at their own pace. Following my husband’s passing, my daughter and I shared our grief, whereas my son, who was only two at the time, comprehended death much later. After nearly three years, I can now discern his grieving process, which appears to have commenced recently as he grasps the extent of his loss.
3. Foster Open Conversations about the Departed
The inclination to shield children from further distress by avoiding discussions about the deceased is common. However, allowing children the liberty to grieve and reminisce about their loved ones is beneficial. Offer undivided attention as they express their emotions and memories about the departed. Encourage discussions by asking questions such as:
- What activity would you have loved to do together?
- Can you share a fond memory?
- How do you prefer to remember him/her?
Listen attentively as children articulate their sentiments and reflections on the loss. Some children might encounter challenges expressing their emotions openly, necessitating patience and support in communication.
Engaging in activities or creating keepsakes can help children maintain a connection with the departed. For instance, crafting a scrapbook in memory of the loved one or engaging in creative writing can aid in the grieving process. Storytelling serves as a valuable educational tool, especially for younger children. Additionally, a collection of books addressing loss can be beneficial for children of all ages.
4. Maintain Consistency in Daily Routines
Children thrive on structured routines, which offer stability in times of upheaval. Following the loss of a loved one, the child’s world may seem disrupted, emphasizing the necessity of maintaining a semblance of normalcy. Strive to uphold regular schedules encompassing daily, weekly, and monthly activities.
While life undergoes a transformative phase post-loss, initiating new family traditions can aid in navigating the grieving process. Despite being unable to revisit our customary vacation spot after my husband’s demise, I discovered a new summer destination for my children and me, fostering fresh memories. Balancing the establishment of clear expectations with flexibility is crucial, given the varied responses children may exhibit during grief.
5. Seek Support for Grieving Children
Efforts should be made to access resources catering to children grappling with loss. Even close relatives and friends may become an off-limits topic for some children in the aftermath of a loss, either due to reticence or fear of exacerbating their pain. Providing a safe space for children to articulate their emotions post-loss is imperative.
Grief counseling for children is available through various channels, including grief and bereavement centers offering group therapy sessions at nominal or no cost. Individual therapy with a trained grief counselor can be particularly beneficial for children displaying signs of depression or regression.
6. Prioritize Self-Care
In instances where children are grieving, caregivers are likely experiencing their own emotional turmoil. It is crucial not to overlook personal needs and emotions. Seeking support through grief support groups or therapy can facilitate emotional healing, enabling caregivers to assist children effectively through their grieving process.
Grieving is a complex and protracted journey, which may span months, years, or even decades for children. Acknowledge that grief does not adhere to a prescribed timeline and extend empathy and support as children navigate their unique grieving trajectories.
Do not hesitate to seek assistance when needed. Whether reaching out to a trusted friend, religious community, a grief support group, or a healthcare provider, remember that support is available to aid you and your child through this challenging period.
Above all, children possess remarkable resilience. Equipping them with the necessary resources to heal increases the likelihood of their recovery and eventual restoration of strength and hope.
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