Care and Feeding is Slate’s column offering parenting advice. If you have a question for Care and Feeding, you can submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My niece is 4 years old, and my nephew is 3. Their mother proudly identifies as a “boy mom” and openly favors my nephew, referring to him as her favorite and expressing distress at the thought of him growing up and leaving her. This behavior occurs in front of both children, with her coaxing affection from her son while seemingly neglecting her daughter. My niece has vocalized feeling less loved by her mother due to this preferential treatment towards her brother. Despite these concerns being raised, they are dismissed by both parents. During Thanksgiving, the situation escalated when my sister-in-law’s behavior triggered a confrontation. Now, my brother is demanding an apology from me or else I will be excluded from Christmas celebrations. Should I apologize to avoid conflict, or is it necessary to address the underlying issues for the children’s sake?
—Boy Problems
Dear Boy Problems,
It is advisable to apologize for causing distress to your sister-in-law and attempt to engage in a sincere conversation with her regarding the favoritism displayed towards your nephew. Express your concerns about the impact on both children and encourage her to reflect on her actions. It is essential for her to recognize the emotional implications of her behavior on her daughter and the sibling relationship. While immediate resolution may not be feasible, initiating an open dialogue is crucial for addressing the underlying issues and promoting a healthier family dynamic.
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If you have questions related to parenting, family life, or children, feel free to submit them to Care and Feeding here anonymously.
Dear Care and Feeding,
How can I establish appropriate consequences for my elementary-age child who repeatedly enters their older sibling’s room without permission? Maintaining boundaries and privacy is essential, and I seek creative solutions to address this behavior effectively.
—Raising a Snoop
Dear Raising a Snoop,
Implement consequences that resonate with your younger child, such as losing privileges like dessert or screen time. Encourage collaboration between the siblings by rewarding respectful behavior with supervised visits to the older sibling’s room. Emphasize the importance of privacy and boundaries, fostering empathy in the younger child by discussing how they would feel in a similar situation. Consistency in enforcing consequences is key to modifying behavior positively.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 3.5-year-old son exhibits disruptive behavior during preschool pickup, displaying resistance to cooperation, loud outbursts, and restlessness. Seeking advice on engaging with him effectively post-school to alleviate the challenges faced during this transition period.
—Wild Child
Dear Wild Child,
Allow your son space to release energy post-school by engaging in physical activities like games or dancing. Encourage active play to channel his exuberance before transitioning to quieter activities. Consider adjusting his lunch to minimize hyperactivity and establish a routine that balances energetic play with calming moments to facilitate a smoother afternoon.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Concerns have arisen regarding my 8-year-old daughter’s tendency to take items without permission, including from school and stores. Seeking guidance on addressing this behavior and educating her on the severity of stealing.
—Swiper No Swiping
Dear Swiper,
Address the issue of stealing with your daughter by discussing the consequences and moral implications of such actions. Utilize resources like the book Ricky Sticky Fingers to illustrate the importance of respecting others’ belongings. Emphasize the impact of stealing on relationships and trust, instilling values of honesty and empathy. Consistency in enforcing consequences and fostering open communication are essential in addressing and rectifying this behavior effectively.
—Jamilah