During the tumultuous early days of the pandemic, I eagerly enrolled my daughter in an after-school program that seemed ideal—outdoor, affordable, and with creative activities, plus the added bonus of her best friend’s attendance. However, my enthusiasm waned when faced with a contact information form that allowed for only a single name and email. Given my and my husband Jesse’s shared parenting responsibilities, I improvised by combining our names into “Marisa Jesse” and melding our contact details. Despite my subsequent request to include us both in the communication loop, I was the sole recipient of program updates.
In today’s supposedly egalitarian society, the persistent notion of a “primary” parent prevails, dictating the default caregiver responsible for every school event, medical appointment, and daily logistics. Even in ostensibly equal partnerships, women still devote two additional hours weekly to caregiving, while men allocate more time to leisure activities. This ingrained narrative of gender roles influences not just attitudes but also behaviors, posing a challenge for couples striving for equal parental involvement.
The absence of federal paid family leave in the U.S. exacerbates this imbalance from the outset, with women typically taking significantly longer leave than men after childbirth due to financial constraints and societal pressures. Such disparities not only affect opposite-sex couples but also impact same-sex partners, influencing decisions on parental roles and caregiving responsibilities.
While some companies offer longer leaves to a designated “primary” parent, the underlying issue of gendered caregiving expectations persists. The unequal distribution of childcare duties early on can solidify into entrenched roles that are challenging to reverse later. Couples often find themselves trapped in arrangements they never intended, leading to dissatisfaction and potential relationship strain.
To disrupt these ingrained patterns, intentional efforts are crucial. Strategies like the “Freedom Shift,” where one parent assumes full caregiving responsibility for a set period, can help balance parental roles and foster shared experiences. By actively challenging traditional norms and roles, couples can strive for more equitable partnerships and shared parenting responsibilities.
Despite the systemic barriers and societal norms reinforcing the concept of a “primary” parent, individual families are left to navigate these challenges independently. While workarounds and personalized solutions exist, collective efforts and community support can amplify the impact of these initiatives and pave the way for broader societal change towards shared parenthood.
In the quest for equal parenting, every small step towards challenging traditional roles and fostering shared responsibilities contributes to a more inclusive and supportive environment for families striving for parity in caregiving duties.
Photographs: Mike Garten Prop Styling: Alex Mata Design: Betsy Farrell Illustrations: Getty Images, Adobe Stock Photo