Are you a gentle parent? If so, there’s a good chance that, just like your children, you may require a nap.
The concept of gentle parenting has been in existence since the 1930s but has gained increased attention in recent years through social media, blogs, as well as popular books, magazines, and newspapers.
Despite its rising popularity, the precise definition of this parenting approach remains ambiguous. Parenting author and self-proclaimed “gentle parenting” founder Sarah Ockwell-Smith characterizes gentle parenting as “a way of being” and “a mindset,” focusing on the emotions of the child. However, what does it entail? Does it prohibit yelling or punishment? How does it differ from other established parenting methods? Is it beneficial for children? Equally important, is it beneficial for parents?
To delve into the essence of the gentle parenting movement, family studies professor Alice Davidson and I conducted a study involving over 100 parents nationwide with at least one child aged between 2 and 7. We inquired about their parenting practices, their own upbringing, and their responses to their child’s misbehavior. We also asked if they identified themselves as “gentle parents” and, for those who did, what that label meant to them.
These initial findings, which will soon be submitted for publication, should be interpreted cautiously due to the limited diversity in our sample.
An Emerging Trend Online
Approximately half of our participants identified as “gentle parents.” The majority of these individuals were white (84%) and highly educated, with the only diverse aspect being their age, ranging from 32 to 51 years, encompassing both Gen Xers and millennials.
When describing their childhood upbringing, these participants depicted their parents in simplistic terms such as “confrontational” and “reactive.” In contrast, when detailing their own parenting style, they utilized 50% more adjectives, including terms like “affectionate,” “conscious,” “accepting,” and, notably, “gentle.”
A prevalent theme in the responses was the aspiration to parent differently from their own parents. Some participants explicitly stated this objective. For instance, one father mentioned, “My approach to parenting is to do the opposite of my parents. No spanking or physical punishment.” This suggests that gentle parenting not only defines a parenting style but also signifies a departure from the practices of previous generations.
Changes in parenting approaches across generations are not unprecedented, from the behaviorist movement of the 1920s to the attachment parenting trend of the 1990s to the contemporary free-range parenting philosophy of the 21st century. Each trend reacts to the evolving landscape of parenting theories. However, the surge in gentle parenting advice stands out as it lacks a scholarly foundation despite its social media popularity. Child development researchers have yet to scrutinize the impact of this parenting approach on both children and parents.
In an attempt to establish a common understanding, we analyzed the participants’ descriptions of what “gentle parenting” signified to them. For many, gentle parenting primarily involved maintaining composure during challenging interactions with their children.
A 42-year-old mother of a 3-year-old single child expressed that gentle parenting meant “having a measured response – avoiding extreme reactions and finding a balance between being vigilant and not overly permissive, adjusting expectations according to the child’s needs and the environment.” Similarly, a 35-year-old mother of 6-year-old twins described gentle parenting as “striving not to raise my voice, making a conscious effort to manage my emotions to prevent hurting their feelings.” These parents are dedicated to keeping their emotions in check.
Embracing Children’s Emotions
Another prevalent theme among the surveyed parents practicing gentle parenting was acknowledging and validating their children’s intense emotions. Whether by labeling the emotion, allowing the child to express their feelings, or offering affection, these parents were adept at handling their children’s emotional outbursts. They often referred to parenting literature by authors like Becky Kennedy and philosophies of educators like Magda Gerber, using terms like “hand-in-hand,” “gentle rein,” and “conscious” to characterize their parenting style. These parents have invested time in understanding how to be effective gentle parents.
However, we observed two concerning trends in their responses. Firstly, none of the participants mentioned receiving support in raising their children from friends, family, or the community.
Secondly, many parents admitted, unprompted, to struggling with feelings of competence. A 36-year-old mother of two children under 5 confessed to frequently feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, expressing a sense of being out of control.
She was not alone in these sentiments. Other parents shared similar struggles:
- “I feel like I’m barely holding on.”
- “I attempt to be gentle, but it’s challenging juggling a full-time job, stress, and limited support.”
- “I admit I often feel clueless about what I’m doing.”
Over 40% of the “gentle parents” in our study expressed such sentiments, highlighting a common theme: they often struggle to extend the same gentleness to themselves. They frequently experience exhaustion, self-doubt, self-criticism, and isolation.
Assessing the Impact
We are currently expanding our research to include a more diverse range of parents, not only in terms of race and education but also in parenting styles. We aim to investigate whether gentle parenting is predominantly embraced by highly educated white parents. Additionally, we plan to monitor these families over time to assess the sustainability of the gentle parenting approach and its effects on children. Will the children of gentle parents exhibit similar emotional regulation as their parents? Or will they develop their own coping mechanisms in response to their parents’ approach?
Until we analyze the data, our message to these parents is simple: be kind to yourselves. And yes, go ahead and take that nap.
Anne Pezalla, Visiting Assistant Professor of Psychology, Macalester College
This content is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.