My parents separated when I was 10 years old. Shortly after, my mother remarried a man with three children of his own, and together they had two more children. They currently reside in a three-bedroom house. As soon as I was legally allowed, I moved out of their home. It is a known fact that my mother owes a significant amount of child support to my father, and the gifts I received over the years, supposedly from her, were actually provided by him. Despite this, my father has never spoken ill of her in my presence. On the contrary, my mother continues to speak negatively about him even after 11 years since their divorce. She often complains that he influenced me with material possessions, disregarding the financial struggles she faces while raising her other children.
During my time living with her, I chose to sleep on the floor and keep my belongings in a suitcase to avoid sharing a bed with my stepsister, who had a bedwetting issue. I felt guilty requesting new shoes or a second serving of cereal, as she made me feel like a burden. Whenever I address these concerns, she becomes emotional, accusing me of harboring resentment towards her other children, which is not the case. I do, however, resent how she manipulates me emotionally using her other children.
Currently working in retail and grappling with student loan challenges, I saved diligently to treat my mother to a luxurious meal and spa day for Christmas. Initially, the gesture was well-received. However, it quickly turned sour when she criticized the modest gifts I bought for her children, highlighting her financial hardships. When she brought up my vacation with my father to the Bahamas, insinuating his financial support, I confronted her, clarifying that he funded the trip and it was unrelated to the gifts. This escalated into an argument where I emphasized that he no longer owed her or her family anything. The altercation almost led to our expulsion from the spa, leaving me feeling bitter on the drive home.
I am expected to visit her and the family soon, but I am reluctant to spend money on gas for the trip. I am conflicted about whether it is worth the effort to maintain this relationship. What course of action should I take? Is there any merit in continuing to try?
—Mom and Money
Dear Mom and Money,
It is crucial to establish boundaries with your mother. Clearly communicate that her financial struggles and resentment towards your father should not be projected onto you. Inform her that if this behavior persists, you will need to limit your interactions with her. Uphold these boundaries firmly, as you deserve respect and should not tolerate such treatment. Evaluate what you are willing to endure in order to sustain a relationship with your mother. If you are unwilling to accept her current behavior, assert your needs and be prepared to act accordingly.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
After being estranged from my mother for over three decades, her recent passing has left me feeling sorrowful and tearful. Is it normal to grieve under these circumstances, and should I allow myself to mourn?
—Estranged Daughter
Dear Estranged Daughter,
It is entirely normal for you to experience grief following your mother’s passing, despite the prolonged estrangement. The loss may evoke painful memories and signify the closure of any opportunity for reconciliation, regardless of whether you intended to reconnect. Additionally, you may mourn the strained relationship that led to the extended separation. Permit yourself the time and space to process her death, potentially through therapy, and be gentle with yourself during this period of mourning.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Fourteen years ago, shortly after turning 18, I was sexually assaulted by a private high school teacher in Washington. The trauma continues to impact my life significantly, despite undergoing therapy and recovery. I now desire for the perpetrator to face accountability for his actions. He currently serves as the school principal, creating concern for the safety of vulnerable students. Lacking physical evidence, I am hesitant to disclose my identity publicly due to potential backlash. Is there a confidential or anonymous method to expose his abusive behavior, ensuring his removal from a position where he may harm others?
—Quietly Vindictive
Dear Quietly Vindictive,
Seeking to hold the perpetrator accountable while safeguarding your anonymity poses challenges. While you could anonymously alert his employer, there is no guarantee of a thorough investigation into his conduct. Alternatively, disseminating this information discreetly may risk traceability back to you.
The “me too” movement has empowered survivors to come forward with accusations against influential individuals, fostering a supportive environment for disclosure. While preserving your privacy and well-being is paramount, consider the potential support available if you choose to speak out. Moreover, by sharing your experience, you could prevent further harm to vulnerable individuals. If you are reluctant to report the abuse directly, consider contacting organizations like RAINN (1-800-656-4673) for guidance on navigating your emotions and exploring reporting options. Remember, your decision to address this trauma is entirely yours to make, and your healing journey should be prioritized.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I aspire to establish a loving and cohesive family unit through marriage and expanding our family. Raised by grandparents who reluctantly took me in, I yearn for the affectionate family dynamic I observed among my childhood peers. My relationship with Zane, spanning four years, initially showed promise of fulfilling this dream. However, discrepancies between his professed desires and actions, coupled with communication challenges, have strained our bond. Despite efforts to address these issues and a failed engagement attempt, uncertainty lingers regarding our future together. How can we break this cycle and ensure mutual fulfillment while addressing our relationship needs?
—Uncommitted
Dear Uncommitted,
Reflect on whether your desire is to marry Zane specifically or simply to enter matrimony. Evaluate the stability of your relationship, considering Zane’s reluctance to commit and discrepancies in meeting your emotional needs. Couples therapy may help address underlying issues and determine compatibility. It is essential to prioritize your emotional well-being and assess whether Zane’s expectations align with your own. Focus on personal growth and self-understanding while discerning the future of your relationship. Remember, a healthy marriage necessitates mutual respect and shared values, not solely a desire for partnership.
—Jamilah