From recounting stories about Santa Claus or the tooth fairy to using lies for disciplinary purposes (“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you won’t grow any taller”) or to shield a child’s emotions (explaining a deceased pet “went to live on a farm”), many parents incorporate falsehoods as a component of their parenting approach.
A recent article delved into the practice of parents lying to their children, revealing intriguing findings that suggest such behavior could significantly influence children’s social development and future well-being.
Primarily, a majority of parents resort to lying when interacting with their children. Research indicates that 78% of American parents and all Chinese parents have admitted to deceiving their children, with only a small percentage of U.S. adults reporting frequent parental lies.
The Potential Consequences
In line with social learning theory, children tend to emulate their parents’ actions, implying that dishonesty from parents could normalize lying in children’s minds, leading them to adopt similar deceptive behaviors. Moreover, studies suggest that parental dishonesty may prompt children to reciprocate the lying behavior. Importantly, there is evidence suggesting that parental lies could have detrimental effects on a child’s emotional and social adjustment, impacting their attachment to their parents. In severe cases, parental dishonesty might even contribute to antisocial tendencies and psychopathic traits. However, it’s crucial to note that much of this research is correlational, making it challenging to pinpoint whether parental lying directly influences children’s well-being or if other factors, such as overall parenting style, play a more significant role.
Recommendations for Parents
Considering the prevalence of parental lies, even if they are seemingly harmless, parents should be mindful of the following aspects:
Quantity of Lies Matters: Occasional falsehoods are less likely to have negative repercussions compared to a pattern of constant lying to children.
Promote Honesty: Since children learn by observing their parents, prioritizing honesty and transparency in interactions can positively impact their development. Encouraging truthfulness in children while modeling honest behavior is key.
Clarify and Justify: If a lie is told, it’s important to eventually come clean and explain the rationale behind the deception, especially as children mature.
Parenting Style Influence: Research suggests that authoritative parenting, characterized by responsiveness, support, and setting boundaries, may mitigate the negative effects of occasional white lies. Conversely, authoritarian parents who rely on lies for control may have a more detrimental impact on their children.
Explore Alternatives: Instead of resorting to falsehoods to spare feelings, consider providing constructive feedback. For instance, when faced with a child’s subpar violin skills, opt for encouraging honesty like “You are progressing, improvement takes time,” followed by acknowledging their advancements later on.
The authors of the review emphasize the need for further research. They posit that lying in parenting, driven by benevolent intentions such as preserving children’s emotions or nurturing a sense of wonder (e.g., the Santa Claus myth), could potentially correlate positively with children’s self-esteem, cognitive abilities, and creativity (Setoh, et al., 2023, p.5).