Dear Amy: My parents passed away in the last three years after living long, fulfilling lives. My five siblings, all in their seventies, talk about going to visit our parents’ graves as if they are still alive. This phrasing bothers me. It feels like they are in denial of our parents’ passing and the legacy they left behind. While they may go to reflect, reminisce, smile, or cry, they are not actually visiting our parents. This issue nags at me. Does anyone else find this behavior strange?
— Frustrated
Frustrated: While you find your siblings’ language odd and disrespectful, I don’t necessarily share that view. People who visit gravesites are typically aware that their loved ones have passed away. Each individual copes with loss differently, and for some, visiting the gravesite provides a sense of connection and comfort. Your siblings may view it as a way to commune with your parents’ spirits or simply aren’t ready to use more direct terms like “grave” or “cemetery.”
You have the right to feel irked by this, but it’s essential to recognize that everyone processes grief uniquely. Instead of imposing your perspective, consider having an open conversation with your siblings to understand their thoughts behind using such language. They may see these visits as a way to honor and cherish the memories of your parents, keeping their legacy alive in their own way.
Dear Amy: Over 50 years ago, a college friend asked me to be her child’s godmother. Despite agreeing, I didn’t fulfill the responsibilities associated with the role. Now, I feel remorseful for neglecting this duty and wish to apologize to the family. I don’t seek forgiveness or a deeper connection but want to acknowledge my shortcomings and express my sincere regret. Is it advisable to send an apology letter after all this time, or should I maintain the status quo to avoid causing further harm?
— Contemplating Godmother
Godmother: It’s commendable that you wish to address this long-overdue apology. While you may feel guilty for not being actively involved as a godparent, it’s important not to exaggerate the impact of your actions on the family. You can reach out to express your regret for not fulfilling your role as expected, without placing undue blame on yourself. Consider a message that conveys your genuine remorse for not being more present in the child’s life and acknowledge your shortcomings without seeking absolution.
Dear Amy: I appreciate your advice to “Already Grieving” to celebrate a birthday with a terminally ill cousin. In our family, we followed a similar approach with my father, turning it into a celebration of his remarkable life despite the challenging circumstances.
— Appreciative Relative
Appreciative: It’s heartwarming to hear how celebrating life amidst difficult times brought solace and fond memories in your family. Embracing moments of joy and connection, even in the face of loss, can truly honor and cherish the lives of our loved ones.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.