Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. If you have a question for Care and Feeding, submit it here .
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am facing a dilemma regarding my stepdaughter’s wedding expenses. Recently, I inherited a substantial sum of money that I had planned to allocate towards investments, a family vacation, and a college fund for our son. However, my husband is adamant about using this money to cover the costs of his daughter’s wedding. I am hesitant about this idea due to the existing financial strain caused by her unpaid college loans, for which we are already responsible. Despite my husband’s argument that it is traditional for the father to pay for the wedding, I find it unfair to bear this financial burden, especially given the lack of accountability shown by my stepdaughter. Our strained relationship has escalated due to her unapologetic behavior, including frivolous spending and neglecting her loan obligations. I am contemplating the future of my marriage over this issue. Your guidance is much appreciated.
—No Paying
Dear No Paying,
Your concerns about not wanting to finance your stepdaughter’s wedding are entirely valid, particularly considering the unresolved issues with her college loans. It is crucial to communicate your stance firmly to your husband and emphasize the family-oriented allocation of the inheritance. The lack of remorse and accountability displayed by your stepdaughter regarding the financial burdens she imposed necessitates a reevaluation of priorities. Counseling could facilitate a constructive dialogue between you and your husband to address this significant disagreement. Ultimately, the decision to uphold financial responsibility for your stepdaughter’s choices may impact the stability of your marriage, prompting a deeper reflection on the relationship dynamics.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am deeply concerned about my 7-year-old son’s well-being following his father’s inconsistent presence in his life post-separation. Despite initial efforts by my ex to engage with our son, recent months have seen a decline in his involvement, leading to emotional distress and self-harming behavior in our child. The impact of this neglect on Steve’s mental health is alarming, with manifestations of self-deprecation and feelings of worthlessness. As a parent, I am troubled by the escalation of these behaviors and seek guidance on how to address this situation effectively.
—Scared for Him
Dear Scared,
The detrimental effects of an inconsistent parental presence on a child’s emotional well-being are profound. It is imperative to prioritize Steve’s emotional stability by reevaluating the necessity of continued visits with his father. Communicate firmly with your ex about the impact of his actions on Steve and consider limiting or discontinuing visits to safeguard your son’s mental health. Reassure Steve that his father’s behavior is not a reflection of his worth and provide consistent emotional support to counteract any negative self-perceptions. Professional therapy tailored to Steve’s needs is essential in addressing his emotional distress and fostering a healthy coping mechanism. Encourage open communication with Steve to express his feelings and concerns while actively engaging in activities to promote positive experiences and distractions from distressing thoughts.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a 38-year-old woman grappling with severe anxiety and doubts about motherhood due to my bipolar disorder. The persistent anxiety and overwhelming concerns about my son’s future have created a distressing emotional state, prompting a reevaluation of my parenting capabilities. Despite seeking professional help, the current treatment approach has not been effective in alleviating these distressing thoughts. I am seeking guidance on navigating this challenging situation and preventing a potential breakdown.
—Struggling in the Midwest
Dear Struggling,
Your mental health concerns demand a comprehensive approach involving a reassessment of your therapy and medication regimen. Prioritize finding a new therapist and psychiatrist who can offer tailored support for your bipolar disorder. Implement positive affirmations and journaling as coping mechanisms to counter negative thoughts and emotions. Establish a support system with trusted individuals to provide emotional grounding during episodes of anxiety. Encourage open dialogue with your support network to facilitate effective communication and emotional expression. Remember that seeking appropriate professional help is crucial in managing your mental health and promoting a positive parenting experience.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Following my son’s 9th birthday party, I received a generous gift card worth $100 from one of his classmates’ parents. While appreciative of the gesture, I feel uncomfortable accepting such an extravagant gift for a child’s birthday. Despite my reservations, I am uncertain about the appropriate response to this situation and seek guidance on addressing this issue tactfully.
—Baffled Mom
Dear Baffled,
Receiving a $100 gift card for your son’s birthday may seem excessive, but responding graciously is key. Express gratitude for the generous gift while using this opportunity to teach your son valuable lessons in budgeting and responsible spending. Utilize the gift card for multiple occasions to instill financial awareness in your child. Embrace this moment as a teaching opportunity and appreciate the gesture while imparting essential financial lessons to your son.
—Jamilah