It’s Advice Week! In On Second Thought , we’ll revisit questions from the archives and delve into how much has changed since Slate began offering advice in 1997—and how much remains the same. Read all stories here.
Today’s edition involves delving into Slate’s archives to uncover questions posed to Prudie in the 1990s. We’ve tasked present-day columnists with providing insights from a modern perspective.
Dear Prudence,
While I may not be young, I certainly don’t consider myself a fuddy-duddy. Do you share my sentiments about the prevalence of blue nail polish, body piercings, spiky hair, and nose rings? At times, the unconventional appearance of young salespeople can be quite distracting. Am I simply out of touch?
—Regards,
Fussy or Normal
Original Response:
Dear Fussy,
Prudie, not exactly youthful but far from a fuddy-duddy, empathizes with your viewpoint. Often feeling like a bewildered traditionalist, Prudie is taken aback by the unconventional styles of many young individuals, pondering how they perceive their own appeal. However, there is hope. As they mature and focus on their professional endeavors, the eccentric fashion choices tend to fade. Unfortunately, it seems we may have to tolerate the peculiar nail polish colors—purple, blue, and green being Prudie’s least favorite.
—Prudie, nostalgically
From: Dear Prudence (Sept. 5, 1998).
Advice From the Future:
Dear Fussy,
What an intriguing letter to start us off!
My dear Fussy: In today’s context, both you and Prudie might be labeled as somewhat old-fashioned by the younger generations. While I hope that over the years, you’ve grown more accepting of colorful expressions such as dyed hair, piercings, and tattoos, it’s understandable if you still find them challenging. Many individuals continue to struggle with these unconventional forms of self-expression that are now prevalent and, in some cases, visually striking.
It’s not my place to dictate your preferences in societal norms. However, what I find inspiring in today’s era of self-adornment is precisely what Prudie hinted at—questioning how today’s youth perceive their own appeal. Those who engage in such expressions do so not solely for external validation but for personal fulfillment. We are amidst a cultural evolution that increasingly values self-worth independent of external judgments. We are challenging dress codes that unfairly target women’s appearances over men’s conduct. By moving away from appearance-based judgments in professional settings, we are fostering inclusivity for diverse identities. While not flawless, we are more accepting of varied expressions today than we were three decades ago. If you were to address me today, Fussy, I would encourage you to focus on this societal progress. Green hair might be a small price to pay for a more inclusive society. —Allison
Dear Prudence,
I am grappling with a persistent dilemma regarding how my 12-year-old daughter should address her stepfather—whether as “Dad,” “Stepdad,” or by his first name. Following my remarriage six years ago, my husband insists on being addressed as either “Dad” or “Mr. Giles.” Despite his preference, my daughter refers to him by his first name, which greatly upsets him as he deems it disrespectful. She adamantly believes he hasn’t earned the title of “Dad” and now simply refers to him as “him” when discussing her stepfather with others. What is the most appropriate approach to resolving this situation?
—Mrs. Giles
Original Response:
Dear Mrs,
It sounds like “Mr. Giles” is quite a character. The choice of address is merely the battleground for the underlying conflict between them. Your daughter refuses to call him “Dad,” as he desires, and he rejects the idea of being addressed by his first name (which is perfectly acceptable) as per her preference. Prudie suggests seeking assistance, possibly from a family counselor, to address the underlying alienation felt by your daughter and the animosity harbored by your husband. Improving their relationship dynamics may render the choice of address inconsequential. It’s plausible that the involvement of the child’s biological father and your husband’s own parental situation plays a role in this scenario.
—Prudie, concernedly
From: Dear Prudence (Dec. 3, 1999).
Advice From the Future:
Dear Mrs,
Prudie hit the nail on the head with this one. The fact that your husband prefers “Mr. Giles” over “Charles” speaks volumes about the kind of relationship he aims to establish with your daughter—one devoid of warmth and affection.
In the ‘90s, addressing adults by their first names was more common, especially in stepfamily dynamics. However, today, it’s increasingly acceptable to use first names in various social contexts, even with adults. While I may still be referred to as “So-and-So’s Mom” by my kids’ peers, the prevalence of using first names has notably increased. It may feel unfamiliar, but it’s a shift in societal norms that your husband should acknowledge, especially in his role as a stepfather.
I concur with Prudie’s advice that the focus should be on improving the relationship between your husband and your daughter, rather than fixating on the mode of address. If he is unwilling to invest effort in fostering a positive rapport with his stepdaughter, you may need to contemplate significant decisions regarding this situation. —Allison
Dear Prudence,
I find myself unable to shake off a recent incident. My sister-in-law graciously invited us to her son’s high-school graduation dinner at a fine restaurant immediately following the ceremony. Although we agreed to attend both events, we had to leave early due to childcare arrangements. Upon bidding farewell to the new graduate, expressing gratitude to everyone, and thanking our sister-in-law, a relative—not the host—commented, “Leaving before the bill arrives?” This remark caught us off guard, implying that guests were expected to cover their own meals. Feeling embarrassed, I handed money to my father-in-law to settle our expenses.
Was it presumptuous of me to assume that the dinner was hosted by my sister-in-law? What is the etiquette for attending a restaurant celebration? While I covered the cost this time, how should I approach similar situations in the future? (And yes, we presented a generous graduation gift.)
—Definitely Not a Freeloader in New York
Original response:
Dear Def,
Prudie is taken aback and suspects your sister-in-law may lack proper hosting etiquette. At the very least, if the host intends for guests to cover their own expenses, prior notification should be provided. As for future occasions, feel free to inquire about the nature of the gathering. If it is expected to be a shared expense, and you are uncomfortable with that arrangement, graciously decline the invitation.
—Prudie, selectively
From: Dear Prudence (Oct. 10, 1998).
Advice From the Future:
Dear Def,
This scenario has not aged gracefully, in my opinion. Personally, I still find myself Googling etiquette questions regularly, such as whether to tip certain service professionals, highlighting the ongoing challenge of navigating societal norms.
While splitting bills is common in many social settings today, hosting a celebration still carries certain expectations. The crux of this situation, if revisited today, revolves around distinguishing between a group dinner and a hosted event. It is reasonable to contribute toward a shared meal, but not necessarily expected for a hosted celebration.
Prudie’s suggestion to clarify expectations in advance is valid. Alternatively, for future instances, consider a simple statement when departing: “Please let me know the amount for our meals, and I’ll reimburse you promptly.” The response you receive will promptly indicate the nature of the event. —Allison
Dear Prudence,
My 35-year-old friend is currently pregnant with the child of her partner of about a year. They do not cohabit, rarely engage in outings together, and sometimes go days without communication. There is a notable absence of commitment, with the father yet to define his role, if any.
Essentially, he is behaving poorly, causing distress to my friend during this delicate period. His actions infuriate me, witnessing my friend endure stress due to this seemingly indifferent partner. How should I address this situation?
—Concerned Friend in NYC
Original Response:
Dear Concerned,
Mind your own business. No offense. Prudie believes that intervening in personal relationships, as described, is akin to being a third wheel. While it may provide some solace, it appears that this couple’s dynamic involves emotional complexities.
Prudie suspects there’s a slim chance you might be referring to your own circumstances. If that’s the case, you should 1) communicate your expectations to the prospective father and, if unreciprocated, 2) consider moving forward independently as a single mother.
—Prudie, supportively
From: Dear Prudence (May 9, 1998).
Advice From the Future:
Dear Concerned,
Prudie’s advice to maintain distance from others’ personal affairs is generally sound, particularly when it comes to imposing personal judgments on their relationships.
However, the crux of this matter lies in your friend’s emotional well-being. If she is genuinely distressed by her partner’s demeanor, your role should transition from critiquing their relationship to offering unwavering support. Assure her that she has the strength to navigate this journey alone, if that is her choice, but emphasize that she will not be truly alone because you will stand by her side. This entails assisting her in practical ways, such as shopping for baby essentials, providing respite care, adjusting your social interactions to accommodate her needs, and rallying mutual friends to offer similar support.
Single parenthood is more prevalent today than it was three decades ago, and while progress has been made, there is still work to be done in terms of societal structures and support systems for single parents. Parenting is a collective effort, and romantic partners are not the sole contributors. As a single mother myself, I can attest that friends and family who actively participate in my children’s lives and offer support to me are invaluable. Your consistent presence and assistance will be the greatest gift you can provide to your friend. —Allison
More Prudie From the 90s
I work in an office with around 20 colleagues. While I maintain cordial but not overly warm relationships with several coworkers, my only genuine connection is with a woman who joined the team approximately eight months ago. We have developed a close friendship with hints of affection. I sense mutual attraction between us, and I know she is unattached. Both liking her and finding her appealing, I contemplate pursuing a romantic relationship. However, my history in this realm is not stellar…