By Suzanne Allen, Psy.D.
Around a year ago, our family embarked on an eight-hour journey to Quebec to partake in a winter festival. Despite the well-thought-out plans for the trip, we encountered an unexpected challenge—the city was hit by a major arctic freeze, plummeting the temperature to -48 degrees Celsius with windchill.
Subsequently, our weekend was marred by numerous cancellations, including a significant portion of the festival itself, leaving us with limited activities. By the conclusion of the first day, the sole noteworthy experience we had gained was ordering from McDonald’s in French. The question lingered: was this encounter worth the extensive eight-hour drive? Regrettably, my children seemed to think otherwise.
As we faced another day of subzero temperatures and the looming possibility of further cancellations, spirits were low, and tensions were running high. It was then that my husband proposed a solution—allowing the kids to use their devices during dinner to grant me a brief respite from my continuous efforts to keep everyone entertained.
While I initially viewed this suggestion as reasonable and potentially beneficial, a wave of apprehension washed over me. What would the other diners think upon seeing my children engrossed in their devices at the table? What assumptions would they make about my parenting? Could I endure the perceived scrutiny of fellow patrons while trying to enjoy my glass of wine and poutine?
Ultimately, the answer was a hesitant “not really.” Despite reminding myself of our considerable distance from home and the rationale behind the decision, I couldn’t shake off the tension and self-consciousness brought on by the fear of judgment from others.
The unfortunate reality is that someone in the restaurant may have indeed cast judgment. However, even in the absence of overt criticism, my own fear of being scrutinized generated as much stress as actual censure would have.
According to a 2021 Ipsos survey spanning 28 nations, American parents reported the highest levels of perceived judgment regarding their management of children’s behavior and screen time. This culture of parent-to-parent judgment may have intensified during the pandemic, a period marked by heightened vigilance over behaviors, both our own and those of others, to mitigate potential risks.
Parents of children with disabilities often bear the brunt of external judgments. The invisibility of many neurodivergent conditions or mental health challenges may lead to misconceptions of “misbehavior” or “neglectful parenting,” when in reality, such behaviors may stem from conditions like ADHD, anxiety, OCD, or depression. Moreover, these parents, who tirelessly support their children with significant needs, may lack a supportive network of understanding peers or family members.
Ironically, while there has been a commendable surge in programs promoting empathy and kindness in schools, parenting resources, and literature, there seems to be a dearth of guidance on extending this kindness to fellow parents. Could fostering a culture of mutual support among parents not only benefit us but also model empathy and acceptance for our children, fostering healthier communities for all?
Strategies for Parents to Cultivate Kindness Towards One Another
To nurture internal empathy and adopt a non-judgmental stance towards other parents, consider the following steps:
Start by acknowledging and challenging your own judgments towards other parents. Throughout your day, be mindful of critical thoughts regarding others’ choices or appearances. Recognize that such thoughts are natural but not necessarily reflective of the truth.
Commit to refraining from acting on or verbalizing these judgments. While you may not control initial judgmental thoughts, you can choose not to engage with or perpetuate them, especially in front of your children.
When you catch yourself passing judgment, pause and reflect. Consider whether you truly understand the other person’s circumstances or motivations. Challenge your assumptions by asking why certain behaviors trigger strong reactions in you.
Remind yourself that everyone is doing their best. While some may have room for improvement, shaming or isolating them is unlikely to foster positive change. Instead, aim to build connections and offer support where possible.
Take the time to appreciate the strengths and complexities of another person’s child before rushing to judgment. If circumstances permit, offer a kind word or gesture to a parent whose child may be struggling. Your kindness and understanding can really help someone.
If practicing empathy proves challenging, remember that walking in someone else’s shoes, especially in the realm of parenting, is no easy feat. Empathy can bridge gaps and cultivate a culture of mutual respect and support among parents.
In conclusion, by cultivating kindness and understanding towards fellow parents, we not only create a more supportive community but also model essential values of empathy and acceptance for our children.