Questions regarding the challenges of parenting? Let’s discuss! I am preparing for a reader Q&A in my upcoming column and would appreciate your input. Feel free to share your questions in the comments below.
A significant portion of this year has been dedicated to elucidating to my two young children that I, including my physical well-being, have limitations, and subsequently navigating our interactions within those confines. Recently, I have been confined to bed or the house for about a month due to a severe infection characterized by a relentless fever, chills, and a suffocating wet cough. Initially, both the kids and my husband fell ill as well, prompting us to create a cozy nest of blankets and pillows in the basement where we sought solace in movies and lighthearted cartoons until each of them recovered… except for me. Enduring this prolonged period of sickness, where I am compelled to function at a diminished capacity compared to the rest of my family, has ushered me into a different mode of parenting, one that I now realize may offer valuable insights to me in both sickness and health. Oh, did I mention I am also nine months pregnant?
During the late spring, at seven weeks into my pregnancy, I was struck by hyperemesis, enduring relentless vomiting throughout the day. I vividly recall having to gently move my children aside to rush to the toilet to vomit while they were finishing up in the bathroom. I felt like a mere specter in the household, scarcely present during those weeks, solely focused on keeping down sufficient food and fluids to avoid a hospital visit. I endeavored to maintain our semblance of normalcy as much as possible, casually dismissing it all with a simple “This is just a part of Mommy’s journey!”
Subsequently, midway through the pregnancy, complications arose concerning my placenta, necessitating pelvic rest, which entailed refraining from lifting anything exceeding 20 pounds, primarily meaning my own children, aged 6 and 3. It was heart-wrenching to deny them basic gestures that I used to effortlessly perform, such as carrying them to bed or assisting them into their car seats. However, I was candid about the potential consequences of disregarding these restrictions, emphasizing the risks not only to my well-being but also to the baby, which could result in premature bleeding. While uncertain if they fully comprehended the rationale behind these restrictions, they certainly expressed disappointment. It wasn’t until months later, when the complications had subsided, and I had resumed my regular activities, that I offered to carry my son to bed one evening. His immediate recoil and statement, “Mom, you’re not allowed to carry me!” resonated with tenderness and concern, underscoring the significance of my transparency regarding not only what I couldn’t do but also why. Rather than erecting barriers between us, honesty and vulnerability actually facilitated more open conversations about our bodies, emotions, and how delicately we should treat one another.
Farrah, a mother to a 4-year-old, has been undergoing treatment for breast and cervical cancer over the past year. Recently, we discussed how her approach to parenting has naturally evolved during her treatment, necessitating a recalibration not only for her family but also for her personal definition of motherhood. Reflecting on this, she shared, “Parenting, particularly as a woman of color and queer individual, carries immense pressure to excel.” She contemplated the repercussions when many of the ways she typically engaged with her child had to be paused due to her illness. Adapting to these circumstances involved leaning more on the support network she and her partner had cultivated and learning to accept assistance. “I had to acknowledge that entrusting others to care for him was a testament to good parenting,” she remarked. However, the most profound transformation for her and her son stemmed from effective communication. “I had to acknowledge that being a good parent, for me, meant not concealing my illness but finding the appropriate language to discuss it with him,” she explained. “With an upcoming surgery, we frequently discuss which side he can embrace me on, where the discomfort lies, and how the doctor is working to mend me.” For Farrah, this past year underscored the importance of holistic parenting in challenging moments and how the trust nurtured over the years profoundly impacts both parties. “Despite my incapacity to engage in activities like going to the park or being the first to console his pain for a year, he will not forget our love,” she affirmed.
In the past, feelings of guilt often dictated my capabilities rather than heeding to the signals of my own body. I would have compelled myself to persist in my usual routines despite knowing it would impede my recovery or exacerbate my condition. This approach would have bred resentment and exhaustion, all while rationalizing, “This is the sacrifice parents make.” However, over the past month, I have adopted strategies to maintain our routine as much as possible without imposing undue strain on myself. I relocated our bedtime stories to my bed, where I read with the children until I felt comfortable, at which point my husband would seamlessly assume the role and conclude their nighttime rituals in their rooms. This new ritual has become a cherished replacement for our former practices.
Throughout my recovery journey, I have strived to be as candid as possible about my physical state and limitations, prompting the children to respond with empathy and understanding as we collectively navigate these challenges. Previously, I would oversee morning drop-offs and actively participate in the chaotic morning rituals with them for two hours. Suddenly, I had to find alternative ways to support them in the mornings without assuming all responsibilities, compelling them to become more self-reliant and independent. Their inquiries about my well-being and willingness to assist have emboldened me to prioritize my recovery without rushing the process or pushing beyond my limits. This experience has prompted introspection on the potential harm inflicted by succumbing to shame and guilt rather than articulating my needs and boundaries.
Parental guilt, particularly concerning our physical capabilities, is arduous to relinquish, presenting a formidable challenge to navigate. Much of our parental identity is intertwined with our ability to perform, making the establishment of boundaries, even if temporary, feel like a personal failure.
Despite the fluctuating nature of my physical condition—as I reiterate, nine months pregnant—these months have underscored the insignificance of projecting an image of invincibility to my children. Revealing my vulnerabilities and limitations has not only helped them grasp the dynamics of our collective functioning but has also illuminated my capabilities as a mother.