“AITA for declining to attend my daughter’s graduation ceremony?”
Here’s the revised post:
I (40sF) am the mother of an 18-year-old daughter, whom I’ll refer to as B. In her earlier years, B’s father (we parted ways before her birth) played a significant role in her life, and she had a close bond with him. However, when B turned 8 and her father remarried, their relationship deteriorated. He gradually distanced himself, leaving B feeling abandoned, which led to a period of rebellion.
Despite these challenges, B underwent therapy and showed improvement. She has not seen her father since she was 12, with sporadic communication occurring about three times a year. B and I share a strong and close relationship, often engaging in various activities together. She even regards me as her best friend, highlighting the strength of our bond.
As B’s graduation approached, I was looking forward to celebrating this milestone with her. However, a week before the ceremony, she informed me of her intention to invite her father and his son. Due to her father’s discomfort with my presence, she insisted that I should not attend if he were to come. Feeling hurt and betrayed, I expressed my disappointment and refused to forgive her for this decision.
B explained that she wanted her father to be part of this significant event, citing a desire for him to share in such moments. Our discussion escalated into an argument, leading to tension between us. Despite my pleas the night before the graduation, B remained steadfast in her choice, disregarding my perspective. Subsequently, I chose to opt out of attending and sought solace with my sister, who took me out during the ceremony to distract me from the situation.
The following morning, I discovered B in tears as the ceremony was about to start. She revealed that her father had once again let her down and was unresponsive. Comforting her, I encouraged her to make the most of her graduation. Surprised, she questioned my absence, expressing concerns about being the only one without parental support. I regretfully reiterated my decision, citing prior commitments. Despite her outburst and labeling me a bad mother, I stood by my choice, aiming to convey the consequences of her actions, even though it pained me not to be there.
Since the graduation, B has remained silent and appears visibly distressed, indicating prolonged periods of crying. Reflecting on my actions, I am beginning to question my decision not to attend. While my sister believes I acted appropriately, feedback from another parent at the school suggests that my absence impacted B negatively, leading me to ponder whether my attempt to teach a lesson overshadowed what should have been a memorable day. Am I the antagonist in this scenario?
Top Commenter Reactions:
Mad_Cowboy_64 shared:
NTA. You imparted a valuable lesson about valuing those who support you and not forsaking them for fleeting connections.
RoyallyOakie remarked:
The primary blame lies with the father, who manipulated his daughter by issuing an ultimatum. Despite being an adult, she remains his child, bearing the emotional consequences.
Accomplished_Cup900 opined:
NTA. B’s actions were insensitive, especially considering her father’s unreliability. At 18, she should understand the importance of mutual respect and appreciation.
RelationshipSad2300 expressed:
While you are not at fault, the situation is undeniably disheartening. The father’s actions have caused significant distress, and your daughter’s behavior, though regrettable, highlights her struggles.
ladylyrande emphasized:
NTA. B, as an adult, should recognize the significance of reciprocal love and respect. Your feelings are valid, and her disregard for your emotions is concerning.
Verdict: Varied opinions, with most leaning towards NTA or ESH.
Update from the Mother:
Despite the criticism, I do not believe this single incident defines me as a bad mother. I acknowledge the feedback received and have taken it into consideration. Regarding B, she does attend therapy regularly. This incident is not the first instance where B has prioritized her father over me, a pattern that has persisted for a decade. It was the first time I chose not to comply after her father’s abandonment.
Seeking clarity, I consulted B’s therapist about potential manipulation, but no evidence supported this claim based on their communications. In an attempt to reconcile, I approached B and expressed regret for my absence at her graduation. I emphasized the importance of inclusivity and appreciation, hoping to mend our relationship.
During our conversation, B acknowledged her regret over the situation and apologized, reaffirming her love for me. However, she also admitted to acting insensitively, which left me feeling hurt. Despite my willingness to forgive and move forward, B’s response indicated her preference for her father’s presence at significant events, even at my expense.
This revelation evoked frustration, prompting me to address the unequal treatment and emotional toll. I emphasized the need for mutual respect and consideration, highlighting that I would not tolerate being undervalued. While B appeared remorseful, her actions spoke volumes, leading me to set boundaries and refrain from further apologies. As the situation unfolded, I realized the depth of her attachment to her father and the challenges ahead.
Reflecting on these events, I stand by my decision not to attend, recognizing the need to prioritize self-respect and emotional well-being. Despite the complexities involved, I remain committed to supporting B, even amid potential future disappointments. The journey ahead may be arduous, but establishing boundaries and fostering mutual understanding are essential for our relationship’s growth.