Last evening, I returned from my trip to Paris…
Upon arriving home, I rushed into the house and embraced my sons tightly. They appeared to have grown significantly taller since Tuesday, making our reunion a joyous moment.
Subsequently, we enjoyed tacos and spent quality time together for about an hour. Then, transitioning into Mom Mode™, I declared that it was time to power down the screens, take showers, and prepare for bedtime. Given our exhaustion, a familiar scenario unfolded:
“One more video game, please?” pleaded one of them.
“It’s bedtime now,” I responded.
“Aw, Mom, pretty please?!!”
“Sorry, but it’s definitely lights out.”
And then, the inevitable words of a tired preteen emerged: “Ugh, Mom! I hate you!” followed by the sound of the bedroom door slamming shut.
Initially, standing in the hallway, I grumpily contemplated, FINE! I do so much for you guys, and I was only away for five nights to ensure a short absence, and here I am, awake for you despite jet lag and fatigue… I felt the urge to stomp my foot, retreat to my room in silence, and let him feel guilty enough to come find me — a melodramatic tactic reminiscent of my high school days with friends.
However, a moment of clarity struck me as I recalled a piece of advice from Caroline, a reader of CoJ: “Allow your teens to have the final say most of the time. Maintain your expectations and consequences, but permit them to vent some steam and frustration… even if it comes off as anger or sass. They are listening to you and processing your guidance and boundaries.”
It dawned on me that I shouldn’t engage in mind games with my CHILD. He deserves the space to express his intense emotions to me, to be completely himself, and to assert his position, if necessary. As his steadfast support, I can exhibit grace and understanding. It is crucial for him to always feel the unwavering nature of my love, regardless of the circumstances.
Therefore, acknowledging our age gap — he’s 10, and I’m 44 — I approached his room and knocked.
”…yes?” came the response from behind the door.
“Hi, sweetheart, I love you. I understand you’re upset. Would you prefer some company or time alone?”
“I think I need some alone time.”
“Alright, I’ll be in my room if you need me.”
After a few minutes, he wandered into my room, settled on my bed, and rested his head on my shoulder. To reassure him profoundly, I reiterated: “You are entitled to all kinds of emotions towards me, and that’s perfectly fine. I can handle it.” Drawing from my mother’s wisdom, I added: “There is nothing you could do or say that would ever diminish my love for you.”
The mere recollection of this moment brings tears to my eyes. It’s a challenging journey! I feel compelled to document it here so that I can always remember: Life and relationships, particularly those between parents and children, are intricate. There’s a temptation, especially with older children, to succumb to sulking or confrontations. Yet, I am committed to leading with warmth and empathy, especially on the tough days when they need it most. I am exercising that emotional muscle and aspire to fortify it further throughout their teenage years.
I would greatly appreciate hearing your experiences and insights on navigating the teenage phase, as I am relatively new to this terrain. Please feel free to share your thoughts below. Thank you!
P.S. 21 subjective guidelines for parenting teenage girls and boys.
(Featured image from the movie Ladybird.)