Dear Carolyn,
My husband endured a profoundly traumatic childhood marked by abusive, addicted parents who met violent ends. Despite this harrowing past, he has evolved into a remarkably functional adult, embodying the roles of a devoted husband and father. Throughout our children’s formative years, now aged 11 and 13, he has chosen to disclose minimal details about his upbringing, simply mentioning the premature passing of his parents.
Lately, he has started to unveil fragments of his history in a somewhat abrupt and sardonic manner. For instance, when our daughter expressed discontent about her bedroom, he retorted, “At least you aren’t residing in a homeless shelter like I did in eighth grade.” Understandably, this revelation left our daughter bewildered, prompting her to seek clarification from me later on. Similarly, our son’s jests aimed at “your mom” have veered into darker territories.
I am contemplating the notion that perhaps the time has come for him to share a more comprehensive narrative with our children. While he has expressed willingness, he grapples with the approach, unsure of how to broach the subject candidly. His reluctance stems from a desire to neither evoke pity nor instill fear in our children, leading to sporadic, acerbic remarks as his chosen mode of disclosure. (It’s worth noting that dark humor has long served as a coping mechanism for him.)
Do you have any recommendations on how best to navigate this delicate situation and impart this information tactfully?
— In the Dark
In the Dark: Undoubtedly, the time for such revelations has arrived. An opportune segue into this dialogue presents itself following your husband’s inadvertent breach in the facade he maintained regarding his childhood:
“That remark I made recently about my time in a homeless shelter? It made me realize that it’s time for me to share my story with you.” Subsequently, he can provide a succinct, factual account of his past: “As I mentioned, I found myself in a shelter during eighth grade. That period was just one of many challenges I faced in my youth. My parents struggled with addiction.”
Subsequently, he can draw parallels between his past experiences and present circumstances, imparting a message of optimism and pragmatism: “To reach where I am today, I undertook X and Y, with the support of Z, for which I am grateful.” He can then elucidate his decision-making process regarding this disclosure: “I have been waiting for the right moment throughout your lives to share this with you, and now feels appropriate.”
Encourage them to pose questions. This enables children to express their readiness to comprehend and process information. While not foolproof, it allows them to steer the conversation based on their age-appropriate curiosity.
It is imperative to convey that both you and your husband welcome their inquiries, even those that may be uncomfortable. Children who lack a comprehensive understanding of a situation often concoct elaborate narratives that may stray far from reality. Fostering a culture of transparency is crucial in guiding them along an accurate path. For queries that necessitate further consideration: “I need some time to reflect on that before responding. I will revisit this when I am ready.” Uphold this commitment to preserve your credibility, as deferring indefinitely undermines trust. If certain topics remain off-limits, respond with honesty: “I am not comfortable discussing that,” even if it is days later, demonstrating respect and setting a positive example for your children.
Engaging a therapist can aid in preparing for and navigating this pivotal conversation.
Additional insights from readers:
Adolescents aged 11 and 13 are more equipped to process details about their father’s past than to endure his emotional distance. This perspective is worth sharing with him.
The ages of 11 and 13 are more conducive to receiving such revelations than later stages in life. As someone in their 80s, my parent has divulged distressing revelations in recent years, a disclosure that would have been more beneficial during my youth. Trust this perspective.