Breaking away from intergenerational codependency presents a significant challenge.
Dr. Sharon Martin, a psychotherapist specializing in assisting adults from dysfunctional family backgrounds, recently outlined 12 strategies to empower young adults and prevent the perpetuation of trauma to yet another generation.
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12 Strategies for Guiding Young Adults to Foster Autonomy and Prevent Codependency
1. Foster self-discovery.
As children mature, their curiosity about the world around them naturally grows. They begin to venture out, seeking independence and a sense of control over their environment.
Encourage your children to make new friends and participate in activities. For college students, suggest joining a club or attending a rally.
Support them through these phases without excessive interference. It’s essential to give them space to explore their preferences and desires.
2. Establish age-appropriate expectations and nurture independence.
Balancing your expectations with your young adult’s quest for independence is crucial.
Clinical psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore advises, “A helpful rule of thumb is to base expectations on what the child currently does most of the time, or slightly beyond that.”
This doesn’t mean discouraging progress but rather being mindful of unrealistic expectations.
For example, until a young adult’s brain fully develops, they may struggle with planning and problem-solving. Assist them in these areas without overprotecting them. Encourage them to seek help when necessary.
3. Instill healthy boundaries and respect their privacy.
Learning to respect boundaries helps young adults become more attuned to the people around them, fostering empathy and understanding.
Prepare them for situations where others may not respect their boundaries, such as a coworker or professor. Allow them to vent their frustrations to you, discuss the issue together, and empower them to find their own solutions.
4. Validate their emotions.
Feeling misunderstood by parents can be frustrating for young adults. As a parent, it’s your role to bridge that gap. Keep in mind that the brain isn’t fully developed until around age 25, leading to ongoing struggles with emotions and impulses.
Give them the space to navigate their feelings and assure them that experiencing and processing emotions is normal and healthy.
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5. Teach effective coping mechanisms.
Equipping young adults with coping skills helps them manage emotions during challenging times.
Rosa Klein-Baer from The Child Mind Institute recommends modeling healthy coping strategies, such as:
- Taking a walk
- Journaling
- Listening to music
- Practicing positive self-talk
Encourage open discussions about emotions, including the less pleasant ones. By demonstrating emotional authenticity, you convey that all feelings are valid.
6. Focus on your own codependency recovery.
Breaking the cycle of codependency starts with self-awareness. Children observe and emulate both positive and negative parental behaviors. To disrupt intergenerational codependency, recognize and address your own codependent tendencies.
Establish healthy boundaries in your relationships, understand your attachment style, communicate respectfully, and prioritize personal time.
7. Practice loving detachment when necessary.
Young adults may struggle to relinquish codependent behaviors. At times, the best course of action as a parent is to practice loving detachment.
Allow them to navigate life independently while offering support when needed. Collaborate on setting goals and identify ways for them to develop self-sufficiency.
8. Acknowledge parenting mistakes.
Making mistakes is part of parenting, and admitting them can feel uncomfortable.
Remember two key points when owning up to your errors:
- Your young adult will appreciate your honesty.
- Your behavior sets an example for them to emulate in their own relationships.
Despite the difficulty, your young adult will value your sincerity.
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9. Prioritize self-care and encourage your child to do the same.
Modeling the importance of self-care to young adults is paramount.
Every Parent PBC suggests involving your child in your self-care routine. Let them witness your self-care practices, such as using a face mask, and engage with them. Practice positive self-talk and establish boundaries during overwhelming situations.
10. Demonstrate healthy relationship dynamics.
My mother emphasized the significance of relationships during my upbringing, often saying, “Choose your life partner wisely, as your child will emulate their behavior.”
According to CHI St. Alexius Health, “Children absorb information like sponges, often mirroring our actions later in life.”
This behavioral modeling begins with our own relationships.
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11. Address conflicts directly.
Avoiding conflict is a common inclination, yet confronting challenges head-on is essential for fostering healthy relationships with young adults.
Ensure both parties are emotionally prepared for a constructive dialogue during conflicts. Express concerns openly, listen actively, and collaboratively find resolutions. Take breaks if tensions escalate.
12. Normalize seeking assistance.
In my youth, I resisted seeking help, believing excessive independence was commendable.
However, as I matured, I recognized the value of seeking support. Overreliance on self-sufficiency can lead to burnout and stress.
While independence is admirable, excessive self-reliance can harm mental well-being.
Encourage your child to seek assistance when needed, participate in chores together, and offer guidance during busy periods. When preparing for college, involve them in decision-making and provide support.
By implementing these strategies, you can break the cycle of intergenerational codependency and empower your young adult for a successful future.