How many instances have you found yourself issuing ultimatums to your child when they seem to be tuning you out? Perhaps during bedtime, you’ve stated, “we won’t read any books unless you brush your teeth!” or when it was time to depart from the park, you exclaimed, “if you continue to evade me, we won’t return to the park!”
If you’re nodding in agreement, acknowledging that these scenarios resonate with you, there’s no need to worry: we’ve all experienced similar moments. Parenting is undeniably challenging, especially when our children aren’t attentive, and our patience wears thin, particularly towards the end of the day. However, there exists a method to convey the same message without resorting to negative implications: reframing a threat into a positive outcome.
Renowned positive parenting advocate Ralphie (@simplyonpurpose) introduced this concept in a widely circulated reel focusing on cultivating healthy parental practices in 2024.
Acknowledging that it’s common for parents to resort to threats of confiscation to motivate their children, she highlighted the benefits of utilizing positive outcomes for children. By employing positive consequences, children’s lives are enriched, fostering favorable associations with both behavior and parental figures.
So, how does this translate into practical application? Ralphie illustrated this concept by transforming the statement “If you don’t keep your hands to yourself, then we’re leaving!” into “If you can keep your hands to yourself, then we can stay and play.”
Both statements convey the same message; however, framing it as a positive outcome enables your child to focus on what they are capable of doing rather than what they are restricted from doing. By promoting positive behavior rather than condemning negative behavior, children will feel secure and connected to their parents, fostering better receptiveness.
Naturally, there’s no guarantee that your child will immediately comply when you alter your approach in this manner. In the example provided by Ralphie, the consequence of failing to control one’s actions is leaving. And that outcome is acceptable if it comes to that!
It’s a common misconception to equate gentle parenting with permissiveness. However, one can establish clear boundaries with their child and exhibit strong leadership qualities while demonstrating empathy and understanding. It doesn’t have to be an either-or situation. In this scenario, you could communicate with your child by saying, “I understand how eager you are to continue playing. I cannot allow hitting. We’re heading home now, and it’s alright to feel upset about it. I’m here to support you.”