As I perused a critique of Molly Roden Winter’s latest, widely-discussed work More, one aspect stood out. The pivotal rule established by the author and her spouse when initiating their polyamorous relationship was that any extramarital sexual activity must occur outside their residence. The idea of “sex with others” didn’t faze me as much as the notion of “sex in a different setting.”
An often-overlooked facet of today’s intensive parenting culture is its impact on parental relationships. While discussions about family life frequently revolve around children and the immense physical and emotional load borne by mothers in the early stages of child-rearing, there’s also an expectation, in line with contemporary norms, for parents to cultivate mutually satisfying and involved partnerships with their significant others, who are ideally their closest companions. How much nurturing and engagement can one individual sustain? According to the author of More, quite a lot, provided access to a discreet secondary location is available.
Our ability to love may be boundless, but the layout of our homes is not, nor is our available paid time off. Consequently, logistical considerations play a significant role in our romantic lives. This spurred my curiosity to explore further by surveying Brooding subscribers on how they navigate privacy and intimacy within their households. Out of the 227 anonymous respondents, a large majority have children under 13. While most cohabit with their partners, there were some notable exceptions. I must acknowledge the reader in a nontraditional, separate-residence relationship with their co-parent, who offered a pragmatic assessment: “It establishes a clear distinction between being a couple and being parents, which is undeniably beneficial… It might all unravel as our son grows older. Time will tell. For now, I’m… mostly content with it.”
Beyond these unconventional arrangements, several prominent trends emerged immediately, with more nuanced yet equally intriguing patterns surfacing upon closer examination. Some individuals expressed a sense of deprivation regarding personal privacy, emphasizing the need to first feel like a whole, realized individual (rather than a mere shell-like caregiver) before considering privacy within their relationship. A valid point indeed! This raises a separate, albeit interconnected, topic.
Numerous respondents highlighted a common dilemma: While living far from extended family affords them privacy from the chaotic, crowded multigenerational living arrangements they grew up in, it also means they lack regular, affordable childcare. Operating as a self-contained nuclear family implies that, unless one has substantial financial resources, parents have minimal opportunities for respite during many years. For over 80 percent of respondents, there exists only one window for any form of sexual intimacy: post-children’s bedtime. However, this comes with a significant caveat: fatigue. With older children, occasional sleepovers and summer camps offer reprieves, yet these remain exceptions rather than reliable fixtures in the routine.
Being deeply involved parents within a nuclear family, as fulfilling as it can be, often results in some degree of partner intimacy being sacrificed. Upon reviewing the responses, I was left with the impression that parents may find it easier to forgo intimacy with their partners than to grapple with occasional feelings of guilt over being momentarily unavailable to their children.
ACCESSIBLE, SECURE, OR SHUT
Numerous factors contribute to the scarcity of time for partners among many individuals. Notably, longer working hours and the increased time spent with children, as indicated by various time-use surveys, pose significant challenges. However, survey participants highlighted another dimension of the intimacy dilemma faced by parents: the reluctance to establish boundaries of privacy with their children. The pervasive culture of “always-on” parenting translates into an open-door policy within our bedrooms. While this may benefit our children, its toll on partner intimacy is undeniable.
Approximately 10 percent of respondents expressed that partner intimacy holds little importance in their relationship, deeming the sacrifice inconsequential. “We are content with our chaotic life,” one respondent remarked. Another added humorously, “I assumed all parents relinquished their sexuality, just like mine did. And now, so have I, lol.”
However, the majority of respondents find themselves grappling with a paradox: They desire a sexual relationship with their partner, yet prefer their children to remain oblivious to it. Only 15 percent of respondents deemed it appropriate to inform their children about the need for privacy to foster intimacy with their partner. Among the 85 percent who disagreed, half specified that the appropriateness hinges on how the message is conveyed to the children. Various euphemisms were suggested to explain “the necessity for parents to spend time together without the children.”
“We would frame intimacy in terms that our children can relate to without finding it distasteful,” one parent shared. “For instance, ‘Dad and I want to hang out because we are still sweethearts, and he’s my boyfriend.’”
While several parents expressed theoretical openness to discussing privacy and boundaries with their children, they admitted a lack of practical enthusiasm for such conversations.
“I believe it’s appropriate [to establish privacy boundaries],” one parent stated, “but only if you can bring yourself to do so! I commend those who can inform their children of the need for private time to nurture intimacy. I, unfortunately, cannot. Consequently, my partner and I are intimate only late at night when we’re both thoroughly exhausted.”
“I prefer no conscious awareness [of our intimate life]! Yet, this is for my benefit, not due to any developmental appropriateness — I believe it’s crucial for children to understand and respect boundaries, privacy, and adult relationships without delving into explicit details or direct exposure.”
Nonetheless, 44 percent of responding parents believe their children should remain entirely unaware of any intimate relationship between their parents, creating a significant obstacle in navigating intimate connections, particularly in residences with shared walls.
Parents who grew up in environments with lax attitudes toward sexuality bring substantial baggage to this discourse. Several parents recounted feeling deeply uncomfortable due to their own parents’ behaviors and vowed never to subject their children to such awkward and bewildering experiences. It comes as no surprise that the vast majority of parents prefer to shield their children from overhearing intimate moments. What’s intriguing is the extent to which they go to muffle any sounds that might reach their children’s ears. This underscores the role of real estate as a crucial structuring element. Interestingly, no complaints were lodged about an excess of space.
THE HOUSING DILEMMA
Half of the survey participants expressed satisfaction with the level of privacy in their homes. A multi-level residence undoubtedly helps maintain the spark alive.
“We deliberated seriously about having bedrooms on different floors when we purchased our home,” one parent shared.
Another content respondent noted, “Since moving from Manhattan to the suburbs, we now have better opportunities for intimacy. This is partly due to having more space — the living room is a considerable distance down a hallway from the bedroom now!! A significant upgrade from our two-bedroom apartment!! Yet, it’s also attributed to our children growing older and becoming more self-sufficient, allowing us longer stretches of time without realizing our absence.”
However, even two levels are insufficient at times: “I find it challenging to relax if I’m concerned about the children stomping upstairs. I need solitude.”
“This remains a simmering source of tension for us,” another parent expressed. “Currently, we don’t face any issues, but once our daughter reaches light sleep, we’ll need to find a new residence where we don’t share a wall. We’re uncertain if we can secure such a property in a Brooklyn neighborhood we like. We fear that without adequate privacy, we may engage in intimacy less frequently, potentially harming our marriage.”
Another reader must consider both children and neighbors: “We reside in a typical Toronto semi-detached house. Our neighbors can hear us (and frequently bang on the wall, grumpy old folks), indicating that our child DEFINITELY hears us. To reach a state of relaxation necessary for me to climax, I require space.”
A valuable lesson emerges: “Our old house has a bedroom door that sticks when fully closed. This inadvertently upholds our privacy, as the children physically can’t enter.”
For another parent, perspective proves essential. Despite dissatisfaction with their privacy level, “it’s preferable to intimate moments in the suburbs.”
ALTERNATIVE SETTINGS AND MOMENTS
Have you ever pondered how parents who co-sleep with their children manage to be intimate? I certainly have. Many parents noted that they essentially forgo a sex life while babies and toddlers sprawl in their beds. This revelation didn’t come as a surprise. One parent mentioned seeking refuge in other areas of the house during the co-sleeping phase. Basements, living rooms, and even laundry rooms appear to be common venues for intimacy, even among those not co-sleeping with children.
A surprising trend I observed was that parents working from home enjoy more opportunities for privacy. Several individuals mentioned engaging in intimate moments during lunch breaks ever since they transitioned to remote work on a partially synchronized schedule with their partner.
After reviewing these responses, I was left with a heartwarming sentiment, characterized by a spirit of affectionate compromise and humor. Biased as I may be, the readers of this newsletter strike me as incredibly thoughtful individuals. Nonetheless, our best intentions often ensnare us in traps from which we struggle to break free. I’ll leave you with a piece of advice from a reader with children aged 3 and 4: “It’s crucial for our children to witness us displaying affection towards each other. Equally important (and we emphasize this) is the need for mom and dad to spend time away from you.”