After the separation, the individual I least desired to communicate with was my former spouse. If it weren’t for our children, I would have completely cut off communication with him, particularly considering the negativity that clouded the past decade of my life.
However, the presence of children necessitates ongoing communication. Whether it’s about a beloved stuffed animal left behind, a misplaced homework folder, or a forgotten soccer cleat, discussions about our children’s lives occur almost daily. What might start as a simple text can quickly escalate into heightened tension, especially for divorced parents who struggle to see eye to eye, resulting in added stress.
Nonetheless, a significant shift occurred. Following mediation last autumn, the court mandated that both parents acquire and utilize a co-parenting communication platform known as OurFamilyWizard (OFW) for any child-related discussions. I was skeptical. How could an app facilitate co-parenting?
Before this decision, I had been bombarded with thousands of hostile text messages and domineering emails over the past three years while sharing custody of our children on a weekly basis. Every harsh word stung deeply, particularly during the Sunday drop-offs when the children transitioned between homes. At times, I felt compelled to express my emotions and reacted impulsively due to the pain and frustration stemming from an unsuccessful marriage.
“Why should I have to pay to communicate with my ex?”
Now, the divorce decree mandated the purchase of OFW for approximately $150 per year, with registration required within a few days. The cost seemed significant. But the real question lingered: Why should I have to pay to communicate with my ex?
During divorce proceedings, utilizing apps designed for coordinating schedules, ensuring accountable communication, and storing parenting plans or custody documents can be beneficial in prioritizing the children’s well-being and shielding them from parental conflicts, as advised by Leslie Taylor, a psychologist with UTHealth Houston.
Taylor recommends that parents establish a communication routine (e.g., text, email, call) to share information about their child just before drop-off or pickup with the other parent. (Typically, I inform my children’s father that I’m “On the way” or keep it brief with a simple “Here.”)
OFW was founded by Paul Volker in 2021 after experiencing communication challenges and scheduling issues in his own blended family. Since then, the website and mobile applications for iOS and Android have been utilized by over 1 million parents and legal professionals.
Isobella Jade found that a co-parenting app helped her feel “more confident and shielded” from her toxic ex.
If it weren’t for the court order requiring the use of OFW as our primary communication tool, I likely would not have downloaded it. I would have been wary of any additional involvement with my ex.
However, a few weeks later, I found myself hooked. The app established a necessary boundary from my ex. I was no longer inundated with irrelevant messages and chaotic reminders that had nothing to do with the kids. Some messages would instruct me to pick up packages at his place, as if I were his servant. Another contained an audio recording of an argument from our marriage that I was unaware had been captured.
There were screenshots of old breakup letters and pre-childbirth emails where he belittled me for earning less money. He sent photos reminding me of past mistakes, like leaving laundry unfolded when the children were infants. Amidst these messages were others that bullied me and accused me of being a neglectful parent for minor oversights, threatening legal action every month.
Despite the continued presence of insults in the app messages, I noticed a decrease in their intensity. I even received a thank you in one message. Knowing that all messages on the app could potentially be reviewed by a judge at some point due to the court order adds an extra layer of accountability. The admissibility of messages as evidence if necessary serves as a compelling reason to continue using the app, especially post a tumultuous divorce.
“I can now focus on creating cherished memories with my children and nurturing my own personal growth without experiencing a racing heart every time my phone buzzes.”
While text messaging often compelled me to respond immediately, the use of a co-parenting app allows me to pause, reflect, and set aside my emotions. I now redirect text messages to the co-parenting app, stating, “see my response in the app” or “check my message in the app when you have a moment.”
Within the app, emails are organized chronologically, allowing me to track when they were sent and read. There is a color-coded calendar for scheduling children’s activities, an expense tracker for items like school supplies, and a check-ins feature to log attendance at events like soccer practice or doctor’s appointments. I recently started utilizing the journal section to document my monthly co-parenting observations.
One of the app’s valuable features is the ToneMeter, which offers feedback on the perceived tone of a message before sending it. This tool helps in ensuring effective communication with the co-parent, akin to interacting with a colleague.
According to an OFW spokesperson, most parents discover the app through family law professionals or court mandates. Courts across all 50 states routinely order the use of OFW in divorce cases. Additionally, many parents learn about the app through word-of-mouth sources such as social media, online support groups, and podcasts focused on divorce and co-parenting.
Several other co-parenting apps like Onward, Custody X Change, and Cozi exist. In hindsight, I wish I had explored these options during my divorce proceedings.
Recent exchanges via the app have revolved around custody schedules, holiday arrangements, misunderstandings regarding school events, shared expenses, coordinating children’s activities during scheduling conflicts, and unexpected requests from the other parent that encroach on my parenting time, to which I respond with a concise “No.”
Prior to using the app, co-parenting communication often involved repetitive discussions via text messages about the specifics of where, when, and what regarding the children. This led to confusion and frustration, particularly when trying to recall past messages amidst conflicts. There were instances where I felt my messages were ignored or disregarded.
The app promotes accountability and transparency for the sake of our children, reducing my anxiety and contributing to my mental well-being by consolidating all communication in one place. The enhanced accountability fosters a sense of collaboration, allowing me to filter through my ex’s messages and focus on what truly matters for the children, disregarding the rest—a welcome relief.
Michelle Dempsey-Multack, a co-parenting coach, also utilizes a co-parenting app. On her podcast, she emphasizes that parents already have plenty to manage. “I can rest assured knowing that everything is documented in my phone,” she remarked. “They can’t disappear, they can’t be denied… It brings peace of mind.”
Dempsey-Multack suggests treating co-parenting like a business, emphasizing that one doesn’t need to harbor positive feelings toward their ex to make co-parenting successful. She recommends keeping communication concise, direct, and strictly focused on essential information.
I resonate with this approach.
In recent months, I have felt more empowered and shielded from negative energy, knowing that the OFW app is readily available. This allows me to concentrate on creating joyful moments with my children and fostering personal growth without being thrown off by every notification on my phone.
While the company aims to support separated families in thriving, my communication with my ex may not exactly thrive—and that’s okay. Nevertheless, I will continue using the co-parenting app until both of my children come of age. I appreciate the ability to redirect any in-person confrontations at our children’s activities with a simple “Take it to the app,” especially when I’m not in the mood for unnecessary drama or insults.