Dear Care and Feeding,
I am the mother of an energetic, humorous, articulate 2-year-old who lacks affection and has never shown much interest in it. When either her father or I suggest or request a hug, she firmly declines. Respecting her autonomy, we do not insist. Every night, we express our love to her, but she typically responds with a blank stare. Initially, I attributed this to her personality and reminded myself not to take it personally. However, recently, I have witnessed her eagerly offering warm hugs to her peers at daycare on multiple occasions. Moreover, last night, she professed her love to her teddy bear, as well as to grape juice, her pajamas, and Curious George. It is evident that she comprehends the concept of love. Are we being disregarded? Is this behavior typical?
—She’s Just Not That into Us
Dear She’s Just Not That Into Us,
It may be necessary to explain social conventions to toddlers in unconventional ways. While you may desire organic and spontaneous displays of affection, not all children are wired to reciprocate in the same manner. Toddlers do not always grasp the mutual aspect of verbal exchanges. Therefore, explicitly stating, “When Mommy says ‘I love you,’ it’s kind to respond if you’re comfortable,” can establish a foundation for her to emulate, even if it initially feels mechanical. This practice sets a precedent that she may internalize and eventually express more genuinely as she matures. If she hesitates to use the term “love,” she might be receptive to an alternative secret code or gesture that conveys the same sentiment in a different manner.
Furthermore, it is essential to clarify that her affection for inanimate objects or activities differs from the emotional depth associated with familial bonds. While she may exhibit enthusiasm for certain entities, her sentiments towards you may symbolize security, routine, and a sense of belonging. It is crucial not to equate her expressions towards objects with her feelings towards loved ones. Embrace patience, attentiveness, and allow her unique methods of demonstrating affection to unfold over time.
In my experience, a child’s reserved demeanor during early years does not necessarily dictate their future capacity for sensitivity, kindness, and love. Each child evolves uniquely, and diverse forms of expressing affection will manifest as she matures. Stay observant, patient, and continue nurturing your relationship with her. Her genuine displays of affection will emerge gradually.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
Our 15-year-old child is twice exceptional (2E), exhibiting characteristics of autism, inattentive ADHD, sensory processing disorder (SPD), severe anxiety, moderate depression, and severe time blindness. Despite excelling in artistic pursuits, necessitating public school attendance due to our inability to provide specialized art instruction, our child faces a significant challenge: chronic sleep deprivation. Consistently sleeping less than five hours nightly, our child only finds respite upon returning home from school, where they promptly doze off on the living room floor. Subsequently, they remain awake until the early hours of the morning, compelled to rise for school by 6 a.m. Despite interventions such as medication and strategies to address time management issues, the situation persists, exacerbating anxiety and further diminishing sleep quality. While our child demonstrates exceptional talent and kindness, the ongoing sleep deprivation profoundly impacts our family’s well-being. How can we address this issue effectively?
—Struggling with Sleep Deprivation and 2E Challenges
Dear Struggling,
Sleep disturbances are prevalent among neurodivergent individuals, with up to 80% of autistic individuals encountering sleep-related difficulties that affect both duration and quality. Given your child’s complex 2E profile, it is imperative to collaborate with medical professionals and psychologists to devise tailored interventions. Consider exploring potential genetic or medical conditions impacting sleep in autistic individuals to pinpoint underlying causes. Furthermore, conventional sleep hygiene practices may require customization to align with your child’s unique needs.
The notable pattern of post-school sleep highlights a potential opportunity for intervention. Limiting this post-school nap duration and gradually shifting sleep towards nighttime may aid in establishing a more sustainable sleep routine. Additionally, evaluating the impact of the school environment on your child’s sleep patterns is crucial. If school-related stress contributes to sleep disturbances, alternative educational arrangements, such as specialized art classes or online courses, may offer a more conducive learning environment.
Engage in open dialogue with your child to identify factors influencing their sleep and well-being. Prioritize their comfort and explore innovative solutions to enhance sleep quality and overall mental health. By fostering a supportive and understanding environment, you can collaboratively address the challenges posed by sleep deprivation and promote your child’s holistic development.
—Your Name
More Parenting Insights from Slate
In a recent encounter during my daughter Jane’s after-school pickup, another parent expressed gratitude for Jane’s kindness towards her son, Joe. Joe, a first-grader, often struggles to connect with peers, but Jane consistently includes him and makes him feel welcomed. As a parent, I felt immense pride in Jane’s compassionate nature, reflecting the values I instilled in her based on my own experiences of childhood bullying.