When it comes to child-rearing, experts concur that effective parenting results from mothers and fathers aligning their approaches and engaging in frequent and open communication.
The dynamics of co-parenting are no exception. In fact, when parents are no longer together, the significance of sharing responsibilities, making joint decisions, and maintaining open lines of communication is heightened, particularly considering the challenges that may arise from a divorce or separation.
“I understand that some separations can be complex, but strive to take the high road and encourage the same from the other parent,” advises Dubai resident Christian Malholm, who co-parents his nine-year-old son. “Adopt an approach focused on maximizing the benefits of the situation and seek assistance if needed.”
Dr. Charlotte Cousins, a clinical psychologist at Sage Clinic, emphasizes that there is no one-size-fits-all method for co-parenting. Instead, it is about discovering strategies that work for the parents and, most importantly, for the children.
Prioritizing the Children’s Well-being
Children may feel responsible for the divorce, but parents can mitigate this by maintaining an amicable relationship. Photo: Jordan Whitt / Unsplash
“For us, the guiding principle was to ensure that our actions did not make the children feel the absence of a parent,” shares Saurabh Arora, a vice president in business development who has been co-parenting his 14-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter since 2017. “The children’s welfare always took precedence, and we were dedicated to providing them with an environment where they could thrive.”
Arora and his ex-wife established what he describes as a “soft landing” for their children, living in such proximity that the children could easily move between their homes.
Additionally, they shared custodial responsibilities, with Arora appointed as the guardian and his ex-wife as the custodian.
“For successful co-parenting, it is essential for parents to consider their child’s needs, developmental stages, as well as their own lifestyles and availability,” notes Rita Figueiredo, a clinical and health psychologist at Thrive Wellbeing Centre. “This enables them to devise a plan that serves the best interests of their child.
“Shared custody with alternating residences is a well-documented successful approach for both parents and children, particularly when the parents maintain a strong co-parenting relationship,” she adds. “Children can readily adapt to having two different homes and adjusting to the new arrangement.”
Navigating Challenges in Co-parenting
“My ex-husband and I do our best to co-parent, but personally, we are not in a place where we can spend time together,” shares Abu Dhabi resident Ellie (name changed), a mother of two sons aged six and eight.
Having been divorced for 18 months, Ellie acknowledges that the acrimonious split continues to affect their co-parenting dynamic. “Although we refrain from speaking negatively about each other in front of the children, they are likely aware that we do not get along,” she explains. “For instance, we do not sit together at school events or celebrations, and we organize separate birthday and holiday celebrations for the kids.”
Co-parenting apps offer a structured means of exchanging information without direct interaction
Maham Rasheed, clinical psychologist, Nabta Healthcare
Maintaining a respectful relationship with a former partner is crucial in alleviating children’s concerns and preventing them from being caught in uncomfortable or vulnerable situations.
“One of the key aspects is to refrain from speaking negatively about your ex-partner or involving your children as messengers or mediators,” advises Cousins.
“Negative comments about an ex-partner in the presence of children can impact how the child perceives that parent and their relationship with them. Children may feel compelled to distance themselves from that parent and display anger and resentment toward them to support you and address the pain they caused you.”
For parents facing challenges in maintaining amicable relations, options such as therapy, support groups, and apps can facilitate smoother co-parenting.
“Using communication platforms like messaging apps can offer a structured way to share information without direct contact,” explains Maham Rasheed, a clinical psychologist at Nabta Healthcare. “Co-parenting apps designed to facilitate communication, share schedules, and manage shared expenses can be advantageous.”
Impact of Broken Families on Children
Calendar-based apps that enable parental communication are beneficial for those unable to co-parent face-to-face. Photo: Cozi
The primary reason why successful co-parenting is vital is that “when the parenting partnership breaks down, children bear the brunt of the consequences,” says Figueiredo. “Ensuring that the ultimate goal of the parenting team is the same—raising healthy, happy children—can help in setting priorities and addressing common challenges.”
Children often internalize the blame for the divorce, which parents can address by maintaining an amicable relationship. Dr. Charlotte Cousins, clinical psychologist, Sage Clinic
Years of research on childhood development consistently highlight the importance of consistency for children. Divorce can significantly disrupt a child’s routine, especially concerning housing, schooling, and even their country of residence, potentially impacting their mental well-being, overall health, and future relationships.
“Children frequently shoulder a sense of responsibility; they may question if the separation was their fault,” notes Cousins. “I often hear children express concerns about potentially causing stress in their parents’ lives and speculate if their actions led to the separation.
“Moreover, children often feel accountable for their parents’ emotions, desiring their happiness and aiming to alleviate their understandable sadness,” she adds. “This can lead children to suppress or mask their own emotions out of fear of how their feelings might affect the parent.”
Children may also grapple with feelings of loss regarding their previous family life and experience guilt about dividing time between each parent.
“From grappling with the new family structure and uncertainties about the future to feelings of guilt, sorrow, and anger, the emotional terrain can be intricate,” explains Rasheed. “Adjusting to differing rules and routines in each household presents challenges, and issues like fear of abandonment or loyalty conflicts may surface.”
Co-parenting Involving Step-parents
Introducing new partners into a co-parenting situation requires sensitivity and thoughtful navigation.
Discussions about the step-parent’s role in decision-making concerning the child, as well as aligning parenting approaches, should be initiated early to prevent conflicts.
Houri Elmayan, a public relations strategist, is a mother to a two-year-old daughter and a stepmother to a nine-year-old boy from her husband Malholm’s previous marriage.
“The majority of decision-making rests with us—which I prefer—but I am part of the decision-making process,” Elmayan shares.
“Early in our relationship, my husband made it clear that he sought a partner who would support him as a co-parent. This prepared me for our future together.
“Both parents have a collaborative approach when dividing responsibilities and can rely on each other when needed. Most decision-making authority lies with them—which I appreciate—but I am also involved in the discussions, and we reach agreements harmoniously.”
Elmayan emphasizes that their parenting conversations revolve around the child’s logistical needs, health, emotional well-being, and collectively addressing any challenges typical for a child of his age.
“I have been fortunate to enter a relationship where the ex-partner is warm, understanding, and a great mother, and the separation was amicable. We have built a strong relationship and frequently spend time together.”
Malholm adds, “We adopt a flexible approach to time-sharing, allowing for periods when he spends more time with us or his mother.”
Overall, he underscores the importance of practicality and being present for the children, whether by assisting the ex-partner practically or recognizing that the child did not choose the circumstances they are in.