When you’re exhausted and feeling resentful, the last thing you want to do is invest time and effort into spending time with the person who seems to be the primary source of your exhaustion and resentment.
My husband, Doug, and I have been married for 16 years, with three kids aged 13, 11, and 6. Last year, we barely managed a few ‘date nights’. Throughout the year, we oscillated between feeling connected, arguing, having full-blown rows, and quietly carrying on with life, lacking the energy to address our disagreements.
Our days are often filled with tasks, moving around the house, ticking items off our to-do list, and coordinating logistics. We find ourselves exchanging messages like, ‘On Thursday, you’re picking up, but remember Zach is coming home with us. On Saturday, I’ll take Meg to her party after football, but you need to meet us with the car because parking is impossible. They also need a change of shoes. And don’t forget to bring a snack,’ usually accompanied by a subtle jab like ‘You forgot the snack last time, so don’t forget this time’.
I’ve been attempting to download music sheets for Mabel for three days, struggling to log in, giving up, receiving reminder emails, and finding the whole process tedious. These minor yet time-consuming tasks occupy our minds, leaving us feeling frustrated because there’s no one else to blame – not the kids, not the system, not the world. However, amidst these daily challenges, we fail to find the time to address these issues, causing them to simmer beneath the surface and hinder our connection.
Quality time where we’re not consumed by tasks is scarce. With a teenager wanting to stay out until 10 pm and a young child barging into our room at 6 am, there’s little time for anything beyond logistics and hurried meals in front of the TV. Although working from home could potentially allow for daytime intimacy, our schedules are chaotic, filled with impromptu meetings. Besides, amidst work and household concerns, the idea of daytime intimacy feels less appealing. My mind is preoccupied with work, the state of the house, managing three kids during the school break, and the never-ending household chores – it all feels incredibly monotonous.
A recent weekend trip to Prague served as a reminder of who we are as a couple. It rekindled our fondness for each other, leading to laughter and even tears as I realized how much we had been struggling beneath the surface over the past year, losing sight of ourselves and our relationship.
Psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel suggests that modern relationships demand more than what a single partner can provide, resembling what a community used to offer. We seek companionship, passion, intellectual stimulation, and emotional support, yet in the midst of our busy lives, finding time for these connections can be challenging. When our partners fall short of meeting these diverse needs, we may feel isolated and disappointed.
The impact of a weekend getaway goes beyond the trip itself; it fosters kindness, patience, and deeper connection between us. Instead of merely coexisting in the same space, we start to pay attention to each other’s needs and emotions. We share our daily experiences, offer support after a tough day, and refrain from responding with snarky remarks that only escalate tensions.
Navigating this hectic phase of life requires conscious effort to find joy amidst the chaos. Since our trip, we’ve made an effort to reprioritize our time, whether it’s dropping off the kids together in the mornings, grabbing a coffee, or simply acknowledging each other’s presence when one of us returns home. These small gestures make me feel lighter and, dare I say, a bit flirtatious – even for a woman in her 40s!
We understand that there will be moments of disconnection in the future, but putting these thoughts into writing serves as a reminder that it’s normal and essential to make the effort to reconnect. Despite the challenges we face, we’ve chosen to navigate this journey together, with the hope of preserving the joy and connection that brought us together in the first place.
Steph Douglas is the founder of the thoughtful gift company, Don’t Buy Her Flowers. If you’re considering a Valentine’s gift, here are some recommendations from Steph:
Valentine’s Gift Recommendations:
While not everyone celebrates Valentine’s Day as fervently, it serves as a gentle reminder to make an effort to connect with our partners. At Don’t Buy Her Flowers, we specialize in bespoke gifts tailored to the recipient’s preferences, showcasing your thoughtful consideration. Choose from pampering treats, delicious snacks, captivating books, or luxurious cashmere. For a personalized Valentine’s gift, explore our Create a Valentine’s Gift Box option. According to a recent poll, 59% of respondents plan to celebrate Valentine’s Day at home, making our Date Night In Gift Box and Cheese and Wine Gift Box ideal choices for a cozy celebration. Each gift box is elegantly wrapped, with your personal message handwritten for that extra touch of care and thoughtfulness.