I vividly recall an evening when, as a new mother, I was organizing my daughter’s room while my mother-in-law observed. She chuckled, “A woman’s work is never done,” implying a shared understanding, but I found it irritating. I was only cleaning because of her presence; otherwise, I would have left the stacks of books and piles of toys that my daughter would inevitably scatter again. However, under the watchful eyes that meticulously scanned every misplaced item, dirty baseboard, and withering plant in my home, I felt compelled to stay occupied with cleaning tasks until she departed.
The significance of my mother-in-law’s remark didn’t fully resonate with me until two years later. While picking up my daughter’s belongings from the floor of my mother-in-law’s impeccably tidy living room before leaving, her 92-year-old mother observed and sighed, “Ah, a woman’s work is never done.” It struck me then that this message had been passed down through generations of women in their family—a belief that women should always be engaged in domestic chores, that such tasks were inherently “a woman’s work,” and that it was an expected duty. This mindset was not exclusive to their family; countless women encounter and internalize this message daily.
Meanwhile, the men were leisurely enjoying beers on the deck.
In that moment, I made a silent promise to myself never to utter such a phrase in front of my daughter. Instead, I reflected, “Sometimes a woman’s work is DONE.”
Shortly after this incident, I was reminded of this pervasive message as my mother-in-law bemoaned the impending chores on a beautiful Saturday. “It’s sheet-washing day,” she sighed, as if this task should consume the entire day. I tried to envision her husband expressing a similar sentiment, but all I could picture was him spending the day watching football on the couch or working on a personal project outdoors.
Leaving that day, I returned to our untidy home, loaded my daughter and our dog into the car, and headed for a hike in the woods. Perhaps my husband or I would vacuum later, but it was not a pressing concern. The laundry basket was filled with clothes, but they could wait until tomorrow. The toys might be tossed back into their container, only to be scattered again the next day, or we might simply collapse on the couch after bedtime stories.
Reflecting on my own family history, my grandmother, a mother of six, toiled on the family farm, tended a bountiful garden, and preserved its harvest to feed her family. She prepared multiple meals daily and served my grandfather tea in his recliner each morning. On his deathbed, she implored him to stay, promising to make him a tomato sandwich—the final gesture of her labor of love. Despite finding fulfillment in her work, she later confessed, “Oh, I never enjoyed cooking.” I have no recollection of my grandfather in the kitchen; my memories predominantly feature my grandmother in that domain.
While we have made strides in challenging traditional gender roles, I am appreciative of the progress. I refuse to advise my daughter to accept an unequal share of responsibilities simply because “it’s better than before,” just as I refuse to accept that notion myself. Our internal dialogue can easily shape our beliefs, influencing how we perceive our roles.
I want my daughter to acknowledge the hard work put in by both her father and me. While I do not disregard the tasks that need attention, I am adamant about embracing moments of leisure. Mommies deserve tee times too, and daddies can handle sheet washing. It is incumbent upon me to challenge both my husband and myself to exemplify this balance. We must confront societal norms and expectations, especially considering that the sons of those women whose work seemed unending were observing as well.
My daughter and I have valuable lessons to learn from the resilient, industrious women who preceded us, but we must also unlearn certain beliefs. While there is gratification in nurturing one’s family and creating a welcoming home, this responsibility does not fall solely on women. Our generational narrative is evolving: Mothers work diligently, but there are moments when the work is complete.
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