My daughter, “Anna,” is currently a sophomore in high school. One of her closest friends since middle school is “Olivia,” who happens to be the daughter of the school’s Dean of Discipline. Olivia’s father was involved in an extramarital affair with another staff member at the school, a situation that came to light when Olivia accidentally walked in on them. Consequently, Olivia’s mother initiated divorce proceedings. Understandably, Olivia is devastated and harbors intense anger towards her father.
On two separate occasions following this revelation, Anna found herself in trouble for minor infractions at school, such as being tardy to class on three occasions and not fully complying with the school’s uniform policy, which requires students to wear a school polo shirt, khakis, and a belt. When Olivia’s father met with Anna to address these issues and impose minor consequences, Anna responded by engaging in disrespectful behavior, making pointed remarks about the affair. In one instance, she insinuated that he was not in a position to dictate behavior, leading to an escalation of her punishment from lunch detention to after-school detention. Subsequently, she made a derogatory comment about his personal conduct, resulting in a day of in-school suspension.
Upon being informed of these incidents by the assistant principal, I had a conversation with Anna regarding her behavior. Initially, she attempted to downplay her actions, but I emphasized the importance of demonstrating respect towards authority figures, even in challenging circumstances. I highlighted the potential consequences, such as jeopardizing her eligibility to participate in the upcoming soccer season. Despite my efforts to convey the significance of her actions, Anna remained defiant and retreated to her room in a disgruntled state.
In discussing the situation with Anna’s father, we decided not to impose additional punishments beyond those administered by the school, considering the complexity of the circumstances. However, we acknowledged the need to address the issue with Anna regarding the possibility of escalating consequences at home if her behavior persists. While I advocate for teaching Anna to manage her reactions and exhibit restraint, her father suggested requesting a different administrator handle any future disciplinary matters involving Anna, attributing the lack of respect towards him to his own actions. I expressed concerns that such a measure might inadvertently reinforce Anna’s behavior rather than address it effectively.
Moving forward, it is essential for Anna to learn to regulate her responses, exercise discernment in her interactions, and refrain from exacerbating situations out of anger or frustration. While her loyalty to Olivia is commendable, guiding her towards expressing support in constructive ways is crucial. Limiting direct interactions with Olivia’s father and exploring alternative disciplinary oversight at school could be prudent steps to mitigate potential conflicts. It is imperative to strike a balance between holding Anna accountable for her conduct and providing guidance as she navigates this challenging period of adolescence.
—What a Mess
Dear What a Mess,
I acknowledge the complexities surrounding Anna’s emotional response towards Olivia’s father due to her deep-seated loyalty to her friend. While it is essential for Anna to learn to manage her emotions and exercise discretion in her interactions, it is crucial to recognize that she is still in the process of developing impulse control at the age of 15. Questioning authority and evaluating the deservingness of respect are integral aspects of her cognitive and moral development. Navigating a situation involving an authority figure with whom she shares a strained history requires patience and guidance in fostering her ability to handle such challenges effectively.
Considering the sensitive nature of the circumstances, it may be beneficial to temporarily limit one-on-one interactions between Anna and Olivia’s father to mitigate potential discomfort and tension. Additionally, exploring the possibility of assigning a different administrator to oversee disciplinary matters involving Anna at school could help create a more conducive environment for her growth and accountability. While these measures do not absolve Anna of responsibility for her actions, they provide a supportive framework for her to learn from her experiences and exercise restraint in her responses.
Furthermore, highlighting the potential repercussions of her remarks on Olivia’s well-being and privacy can help Anna understand the broader impact of her behavior. Encouraging her to express support for her friend in constructive ways while refraining from hurtful comments is essential in fostering positive relationships and empathy during challenging times.
—Nicole
More Advice From Slate
Dealing with a parent who struggles with alcoholism can be emotionally taxing and challenging. It is commendable that you have sought support from a therapist to navigate this complex dynamic. As you embark on this journey with your newborn, prioritizing your well-being and establishing healthy boundaries with your father are paramount. Remember to prioritize self-care and seek additional support as needed to navigate this challenging familial relationship while safeguarding your own emotional health and that of your child.