Dear Sahaj: My mother desires to assume the role of a family elder and earn respect by having us seek her advice or consider her opinions, especially concerning the upbringing of her grandchildren. However, I harbor reservations about the parenting decisions she made. As immigrants, I understand the challenges my parents encountered and acknowledge that they did their best. Nonetheless, my approach to life and parenting significantly differs from theirs, as they prioritized financial stability and social status over emotional connection and presence.
The situation becomes strained when I choose not to seek her guidance or treat her as an elder. Despite my divergent views, I maintain communication with my parents because I value intergenerational support and believe that children can benefit from interactions with older family members. While I respect their efforts based on the knowledge available to them at the time, I do not necessarily align with their parenting style or the decisions they made regarding my partner and me as parents. Thank you for any insights you can provide!
— Resisting Daughter
Resisting Daughter: It is common for immigrant parents to uphold their authoritative stance, regardless of their adult children’s independence or parental status. To your mother, you will always be her child, and she the adult who successfully raised you. This ingrained belief may lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and strained relationships. While you may not alter your mother’s perspective, you can control how you react and engage with her, thus mitigating the impact of her behavior on you.
Express your emotions and needs to your mother in a non-confrontational manner. Acknowledge her intentions positively while asserting your autonomy, such as saying, “I value your input, but we are exploring different approaches.” Understanding the underlying emotions behind her advice can foster empathy and open new channels of communication.
In dealing with parents reluctant to relinquish control, allowing them to feel valued can be beneficial. Consider seeking advice from your mother on less critical matters or appreciating her experiences without necessarily implementing her suggestions. Involving her in minor parenting tasks can enhance her sense of contribution while avoiding conflicts.
Moreover, reflect on your conduct within the relationship to alleviate internal tensions. Focus on your interactions and responses, particularly since your children observe these dynamics. If certain topics trigger tension, redirect the conversation or excuse yourself briefly to maintain composure.
Remember, maintaining a relationship with your mother does not necessitate total agreement or compliance. Identify areas of compromise and set boundaries to uphold your values and priorities.