Often condensed as ‘baby mama drama,’ issues revolving around child custody can leave individuals severely shattered.
In many cases, courts prioritize the well-being of the child when making decisions.
While some perceive it as a situation of winner takes all, especially when mothers (who typically act as plaintiffs) are granted custody of the child/children, and fathers are obligated to support the separated family financially.
Certain parties may be fortunate enough to secure joint custody of the children. However, what unfolds when sole custody is granted to the mother, and the father’s access to the child/children is limited to a few hours or specific periods like weekends and school holidays?
Who bears the brunt in child custody disputes?
James*, who engaged in a protracted and costly legal battle resulting in losing custody of his children, asserts that minors are the ultimate casualties in such scenarios.
The 44-year-old entrepreneur and father of two recounts his personal struggle to maintain a presence in his children’s lives despite relinquishing custody, urging fellow fathers to do the same.
“The experience was chaotic and draining; their mother retained primary custody. Reflecting on it, it was the most emotionally devastating period of my adult life. I was stunned, almost numb. Fortunately, with time, I have coped with it and can now concentrate on being a better parent,” he shares with Citizen Digital.
In James’ case, the court deemed the ex-wife as the more stable and suitable parent for the children’s custody.
The court also acknowledged her close bond with the children, thus awarding her primary custody based on what the judge deemed as the minors’ best interests.
“During that period, I relocated frequently, although I could provide for them financially, their mother had a more stable work schedule. It was challenging when my spouse was transferred to another city, but I was determined to make it work for my children,” he explains.
Presently, James has an agreement with his ex-wife for visitation during holidays and weekends. He advises parents against severing ties with their children due to failed relationships.
“The initial phase was tough, but we found a way to make it work for our children. Many men opt to disengage from their children with the notion of reconnecting when they are older, but in doing so, they miss out on witnessing crucial milestones and the chance to nurture them,” he remarks.
He further advocates for fathers to invest ample time with their children and actively participate in their upbringing from the foundational stages.
“Your children should take precedence; I have realized that nothing surpasses their importance. You have no justification; no circumstance should take priority over them,” he emphasizes.
In notable instances, judges grant fathers sole custody of the children, challenging the long-standing belief that women are the primary caregivers.
James advises parents on the losing end of custody battles to move past the resentment. While losing custody triggers a plethora of emotions, he emphasizes that suppressing them is not the solution.
“You must consciously address these emotions; do not brush them aside, do not sever ties with your child out of spite, strive to be better.”
Moses* obtained custody of his son following an exhaustive court battle.
Moses acknowledges the uphill task he faced in proving beyond doubt the mother’s unsuitability to raise their child.
“We separated three years ago and initially agreed that the child would reside with the mother. I catered for everything, from school fees to sustenance and housing. However, she began exploiting the situation financially, and whenever I resisted her schemes, she would restrict my access to the child,” he recollects.
Despite the mother leaving the child in the care of a domestic worker for days, the child excelled academically and displayed no evident issues. His teacher at the time attested to his academic progress.
“I refrain from speaking ill of the mother in my son’s presence; we have devised a parenting plan outlining visitation and holiday arrangements between us, and it has been effective thus far. Being present in my child’s life, witnessing his growth brings me immense joy,” shares Moses, who eventually secured sole custody of his son.
According to him, he is unwavering in his commitment to his 11-year-old son, stressing that peaceful, consistent, and purposeful communication with one’s ex-partner is crucial for successful co-parenting.
“Despite appearing insurmountable, it all starts with your mindset. Focus on your child and how you can be there for them in a more meaningful way. Consider the impact of your actions and decisions on your child; once you prioritize this, your child automatically becomes the focal point of your life,” he concludes.