Upon welcoming my first child in 2018, I embraced the concept of gentle parenting. The notion of treating children with respect, acknowledging and validating their emotions, and prioritizing their needs over mere obedience resonated with me deeply. This was the approach I envisioned for raising my children.
I delved into numerous books, enrolled in online courses, committed the principles to memory, and even ensured my husband, parents, and in-laws were well-versed in these techniques. When my eldest daughter reached the age of interaction, I was fully prepared to put these theories into action.
However, reality proved otherwise. Yet, admitting this is often discouraged. What began as an idealistic aspiration in gentle parenting has morphed into something resembling a dogmatic belief system. Criticism of these methods is swiftly met with backlash from the social media community. I half-expect a knock on my door from the “Instagram police” at any moment.
The fundamental truth is that no parenting doctrine is universally effective. While it may not be lucrative to acknowledge this fact, there is no one-size-fits-all solution to navigate the complexities of parenting. Parenting is undeniably challenging. While we yearn for a miraculous formula to simplify the process, the reality is that children are unique individuals who do not conform to a standardized blueprint.
Parents are individuals as well, despite the implications of many parenting guides suggesting otherwise. Attempting to adhere strictly to someone else’s script feels disingenuous. I’ve come to realize that presenting a facade to my children is more detrimental than deviating from any specific methodology.
My daughter quickly saw through these contrived techniques. At the age of three, she would protest when I recited the gentle parenting script, exclaiming, “DON’T say that, I know what you’re doing!” I struggled to maintain the calm, verbose demeanor prescribed by these methods amidst her tantrums. I could barely utter two sentences before being drowned out by her cries. Exhausted from mimicking unfamiliar words that failed to resonate with my children, I initially blamed myself for the lack of success until I discovered that other mothers shared similar experiences.
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The myriad parenting theories often exploit the insecurities and fears of mothers (with women reportedly purchasing 70% of parenting books and spending an estimated \(231.6 million on such literature and \)141 million on parenting apps annually). The concept of a “correct” parenting approach inherently implies a “wrong” method, adding immense pressure and guilt to already overwhelmed mothers. The fear of irreparably harming our children by deviating from a prescribed formula is a lucrative industry in itself.
Gentle parenting advocates for parents to serve as emotional containers for their children, while simultaneously addressing their own unresolved issues and generational traumas. This expectation places an overwhelming burden on parents, hindering their ability to parent effectively under such immense stress.
What about the emotional well-being of parents? This aspect is often neglected. I cannot be a nurturing mother when I am constantly shamed for not adhering to prescribed techniques, living in fear of making mistakes, or exhausted from suppressing my own emotions.
I firmly believe that we become better parents when we afford ourselves some leniency. Our children seek genuine connections with their real mothers, not replicas of social media personas. Furthermore, mothers deserve recognition as individuals with inherent value and the right to prioritize their own well-being.
The plethora of parenting advice circulating does not benefit us or our children. If anything, it led me to become a more distressed, anxious, and apprehensive mother. Enough is enough. While my parenting approach may not lead to influencer status or financial gain, I am confident that my children will thrive when I embrace authenticity. By being true to myself, acknowledging their individuality, and eschewing the robotic parenting advocated in books, I can provide the genuine love and care my children truly need.
Allegra Chapman, a writer, author, creative coach, and business consultant