I adored my deceased spouse. I cherish the two daughters she bestowed upon me. While I am prepared to embrace the future, my daughters are reluctant to release the past. They are currently 21 and 18 years old. A decade ago, when we tragically lost their mother, the notion of commemorating her birthday annually emerged as a fitting tribute to perpetuate her memory. I would escort the girls to our beloved eatery, regaling them with anecdotes about their mother. On the anniversary of her passing, we would pay our respects at her gravesite, adorning it with flowers. Perhaps, I should have gradually phased out these rituals as the girls matured, yet I failed to do so.
I postponed delving into the realm of dating until I encountered “Gloria.” At that time, my eldest daughter was in high school and remained aloof towards Gloria despite our attempts at family therapy. Gloria and I have contemplated cohabitation and marriage; however, the specter of my late wife looms large. My eldest daughter vehemently opposes any hint of change—even mundane tasks like repainting the walls evoke memories of her mother. When I broached the subject of selling our home, considering both my daughters now reside out of state, my daughter vehemently objected, asserting that we would be abandoning her mother’s memory. She ceased communication with me for a fortnight. Meanwhile, my youngest daughter interacts cordially with Gloria in her absence but aligns with her sister’s sentiments. I am torn between preserving the past and forging ahead. What steps can I take?
—Ready to Move On
Dear Ready,
Primarily, maintaining the traditions of commemorating your late wife’s birthday and death with your daughters was a poignant gesture, one that should endure, even amidst your potential union with Gloria. It is imperative to engage in another heartfelt conversation with your daughters, articulating that while your affection for their mother remains unwavering, the passage of time has allowed you to seek companionship with another. Emphasize that their mother would have wished for your happiness, just as you would have desired the same for her in a reversed scenario. Your daughters, now adults, must cultivate the maturity and empathy to accept your relationship with Gloria; coercion is futile, yet stagnation for the sake of appeasement is unjustifiable after such a duration. Retaining the familial abode you shared with your late wife could hold sentimental value for your daughters. Nonetheless, if its retention proves impractical or if relocation aligns with your aspirations, you are entitled to pursue that path. Exercise patience and empathy with your daughters, yet refrain from stalling your personal growth to placate them.
—Jamilah
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Before meeting and marrying my wife, I had many different sexual partners, mostly casual. I’m her first. We are in our first year of marriage. During a conversation about our sex life, I mentioned that I had been more attracted to past partners than I am to my wife. She became visibly upset; in the days since, she has stopped initiating intimacy and has asked if I want an open marriage. I declined. I attempted to elucidate that while I am indeed drawn to her, the physical aspect of our relationship holds lesser significance compared to the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual connections we share. Admittedly, I have encountered past liaisons characterized by intense chemistry, a facet lacking in our relationship. Have I transgressed a boundary?