“I don’t possess all-encompassing knowledge: our learning journey is perpetual,” I convey to my children. Xavi, my four-year-old, interjects, questioning, “What about after we pass away?” and astutely amends, “Our learning journey persists… until we depart.”
He may indeed be correct. The notion of parenting under the facade of omniscience, devoid of the humility to acknowledge mistakes, and the fallacy that emotions only become valid at the age of 18 is unfathomable to me. When my children shed tears, I am certain they are grappling with the disappointment of shattered aspirations, even if those dreams entail an endless Lego-building session disrupted by the imposition of bedtime.
Hence, it comes as no surprise that I align with the principles of “gentle parenting.” Coined by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, the author of The Gentle Parenting Book, this approach underscores the significance of treating infants, toddlers, and adolescents with reverence, comprehension, and compassion.
If you are a parent, chances are you have encountered discussions on gentle parenting in various settings such as nurseries, playgrounds, or social media platforms, where it has garnered 5.4 billion TikTok views and even merited an academic inquiry. However, Ockwell-Smith, whose children range from 16 to 21 years old, now deems the term “problematic” due to prevalent misconceptions.
Over time, certain individuals have linked gentle parenting with unattainable standards of flawlessness and a serenity that rivals that of the Dalai Lama.
The misinterpretations have become so widespread that Ockwell-Smith expressed, “The name is problematic, I don’t think it will last. I never thought, ‘I’m going to name a new style of parenting.’ It’s really poorly defined. It came from me asking: ‘What do I call my sleep-training workshops so people realise it’s not cry-it-out?’ It’s a mindset of understanding kids’ development and being respectful, not a scientific, academic playbook. It would be better if it didn’t have a name.”
Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of The Gentle Parenting Book (Photo: Rob Hill/ Urban Picnic)
Ockwell-Smith often finds herself perplexed by the depictions of gentle parenting on social media. “I don’t recognize most TikTok videos as gentle parenting,” she remarks. “They reduce it to: ‘if your child says this, do this’ or ‘this is the gentle parenting way to handle this’ and I’m thinking: ‘no, it’s not’. It’s not a phrase book. I’ve always been careful to say: ‘I’m not perfect, I mess up, it’s hard and exhausting and you’ve got to put your own needs centre.’”
One prevalent misconception is that gentle parents refrain from using the word “no.” She expresses her exasperation, stating, “It drives me mad. I wouldn’t let [my young children] do stuff they wanted because it was dangerous or they’d break things. Of course, they have big feelings and don’t like being stopped. That’s not ungentle. It’s what happens afterwards: you don’t need to hurt, shame and embarrass children.”
She is accurate in her assessment of the confusion surrounding the concept. In a conversation with Ivana Poku, the author of Motherhood- The Unspoken, who perceives the term as “toxic,” shares, “We should aim to be more understanding, but I’m not perfect.” Instead, she advocates for parenting “with love.” Poku believes gentle parenting entails refraining from shouting, implementing punishments, or enforcing consequences.
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Likewise, Lucy Wilson, the founder of wellbeing classes Shine Strong Revolution, remarks, “It puts more pressure onto stressed parents, leading to guilt. I keep as calm as possible, but life throws a lot at you. If I’m unfair, then I apologize and explain.” Both mothers align closely with Ockwell-Smith’s definition of gentle parenting, albeit without fully identifying with the term.
A recent academic study from Macalester College in the US concluded that gentle parenting is taxing for parents, often resulting in self-criticism.
Ockwell-Smith acknowledges that gentle parenting is challenging because it necessitates revisiting one’s own upbringing. “It’s about asking questions about how you were raised, otherwise you’ll repeat cycles and learnt behavior. It’s exhausting when you’re trying to get through the day and also doing self-therapy,” she explains.
“You realize you’re a bit messed up; it throws open your relationship with your partner, parents and in-laws. But what’s the alternative? Ignore it, pretend and damage next generations? Keep perpetuating cycles where everybody masks feelings and is afraid to say how they really are? We talk about mental health but not how it starts in infancy when we put a child on the naughty step during a tantrum.”
Undoubtedly, raising children serves as a profound form of therapy. I encountered firsthand how my upbringing influences my parenting style last summer: in the days preceding my son Xavi’s commencement of school reception, he exhibited signs of anger.
While I swiftly offer solace and revel in my children’s accomplishments, I felt a sense of unease witnessing his anger. I realized that my discomfort stemmed from my own childhood experiences rather than his emotions. This realization enabled me to embrace discomfort, thereby extending support to him without encouraging the suppression of challenging emotions. Understanding my own past aided me in nurturing him effectively.
A comprehensive academic study is currently underway. Ockwell-Smith emphasizes that gentle parenting is not a short-term solution. “With Supernanny, they fix things in three days, but nobody goes back in five years and asks: ‘What’s the impact? Helping children develop emotional maturity, trust and resilience is not a quick fix, you won’t see results for years.”
Genevieve with her children (Photo: Mark North)
Perhaps the researchers will uncover that all forms of parenting, irrespective of labels, entail both stress and joy. Parenting, unless you are a surgeon, epitomizes the pinnacle of responsibility; the fear of making mistakes looms large. Most of us likely experience guilt when we fall short of being infinitely patient with our loved ones, regardless of the parenting approach we adhere to.
Ockwell-Smith believes that parenting is particularly arduous in the present era. “The Government is so unsupportive of families,” she laments. “Baby banks shouldn’t need to exist. There’s chronic underfunding in schools and teachers have had massive real term pay cuts for the past 12 years.”
Regarding the future trajectory of gentle parenting, she aspires for a time when it is simply referred to as ‘parenting’. “My aim is that it doesn’t need a label; that all parenting comes from the position of understanding children’s development and treating them with respect.”
The Emergence of Gentle Parenting
Gentle parenting traces its origins to the nurturing, empathetic, and boundary-setting approach of authoritative parenting, as delineated by developmental psychologist Diane Baumrind in the 1960s. It stands in contrast to the stricter authoritarian parenting style characterized by phrases like “because I said so,” as well as permissive parenting which emphasizes warmth but lacks boundaries.
Sarah Ockwell-Smith pioneered this parenting philosophy following the birth of her second child, realizing the incongruence of adhering to sticker charts and rigid sleep schedules that felt discordant with her instincts. She coined the term “gentle” while developing sleep workshops. In the United States, it is occasionally referred to as “sturdy” parenting, with Dr. Becky Kennedy being a prominent advocate.