When my sibling, her spouse, and their four-month-old baby relocated from New Jersey to the Netherlands in March 2022, I never anticipated that our family would be exposed to Dutch parenting practices. However, during my time at their former residence on Bloemgracht, a picturesque street and canal in the Jordaan district of Amsterdam, I gained valuable insights into Dutch parenting principles. Specifically, I discovered that Dutch parents emphasize granting their children freedom and autonomy, even if it means allowing them to cycle in the rain. Beneath this intentional parenting approach lies the foundation of the Dutch social welfare system, which instills a sense of safety and assurance in parents, enabling them to foster such independence in their children.
Emphasis on Social Welfare
During a summer visit to my sibling’s 17th-century apartment, I had the pleasure of meeting her Dutch neighbors, Daan and Annamarie, along with their two children, Louie (7) and Morris (10). As my partner, Mike, and I sat on the bench outside my sibling’s home, we observed Louie and Morris gleefully playing barefoot, maneuvering around Bakfiets—the popular human-powered cargo bikes among Dutch parents—and joyfully running across the bridge spanning the Bloemgracht canal.
Reflecting on this scene back in our New York City apartment two weeks later, I couldn’t help but contrast it with the restricted freedom experienced by children in our neighborhood. The idea of children roaming freely, interacting with neighbors, and feeling both liberated and secure seemed like a distant reality. This led me to ponder why Dutch children, like Louie and Morris, are often regarded as some of the happiest in the world. It became evident that these children not only navigate their Amsterdam neighborhood comfortably (given the city’s overall safety compared to New York City) but also exhibit a heightened awareness of their surroundings, people, and environment.
This heightened awareness seems to permeate every aspect of their behavior, whether it’s the respectful way Dutch children interact with adults upon entering a room (in contrast to the more reserved demeanor of many American children) or their engagement with neighbors of all ages. Dutch children approach these interactions with curiosity, wonder, and a sense of responsibility from a young age. Surprisingly, Daan and Annamarie mentioned that Dutch children are not explicitly taught about environmental consciousness or independence at home or in school. Instead, they emulate the behavior of their parents and fellow Dutch citizens, characterized by respect and self-assurance.
The independence and sense of responsibility observed in Dutch children reminded me of the Sámi, an indigenous tribe in Northern Scandinavia known for their reindeer herding traditions. Even young Sámi children are entrusted with decisions like choosing appropriate attire in subzero temperatures and using earmarking knives on reindeer calves. Furthermore, every member of the tribe takes responsibility for the safety and well-being of all children—a communal approach that appears idyllic yet essential.
Numerous discussions have focused on the contrasting parenting styles worldwide, highlighting the freedom granted to non-American children versus the prevalent “helicopter parenting” culture in the United States. However, what often goes unnoticed in these comparisons is the economic privilege that underpins the ability to raise content, environmentally-conscious children. Achieving this level of parenting necessitates a supportive infrastructure for parents and working individuals, a reality acknowledged by American parents across the political spectrum. The disparity in available resources, particularly concerning the social safety net, is a source of frustration for many American parents who feel underserved despite their substantial tax contributions.
In countries like the Netherlands, where parental benefits include generous leave policies, childcare subsidies, shorter workweeks, and universal healthcare, the pervasive anxiety experienced by American parents is less prevalent. This disparity extends beyond parental concerns to encompass issues like safe drinking water and the pervasive threat of gun violence, which disproportionately affect American families. The laissez-faire approach adopted by Dutch parents, fostering independence and respect in their children, is not merely a product of cultural exceptionalism but rather a reflection of the robust social welfare system that distinguishes the Netherlands from the United States.
Parenting Realities in the United States
In New York, recent news of a child’s tragic death due to opioid exposure at a daycare facility in the North Bronx—a borough where my partner teaches at a Title I public school—prompted discussions about the broader fentanyl epidemic, escalating overdose rates, and the urgent need for intervention. However, the absence of a national dialogue addressing the systemic challenges faced by parents, such as the mother who grappled with leaving her child in a hazardous environment due to work obligations, underscores a critical oversight in addressing parental struggles.
The glaring wealth gap in the United States perpetuates a stark contrast in parenting experiences, with affluent parents enjoying a sense of security and freedom that eludes economically disadvantaged families. For instance, in neighborhoods like the South Bronx, parents are compelled to forgo traditional childhood activities like Halloween trick-or-treating due to safety concerns stemming from prevalent criminal activities. This disparity not only reflects a failure in addressing economic inequalities but also highlights the toll of chronic stress on parents, costing the nation billions annually in healthcare and social welfare expenses.
The challenges faced by impoverished families, from food insecurity to limited educational opportunities, are exacerbated by the pervasive hypervigilance required for parenting in high-risk environments. The detrimental impact of poverty on parental well-being is well-documented, with studies linking financial struggles to heightened emotional distress and reduced quality of life. The burden of navigating parenthood under such circumstances is particularly taxing for working mothers, who often juggle extensive caregiving responsibilities alongside professional obligations, especially evident during the recent pandemic.
As a resident of Westchester and a new parent myself, navigating the complexities of parenthood in the United States presents unique challenges. As a freelance writer, I find myself on unpaid maternity leave, while my partner, a teacher and union member, receives a mere six weeks of paid parental leave. The absence of comprehensive support systems, such as the Dutch kraamzorg service providing postpartum care, and affordable childcare options underscores the disparities in parental assistance between countries.
Reflecting on the robust support available to parents like Olive, Louie, and Morris in the Netherlands, I am left pondering the prospects of similar societal reforms benefiting American families. The vision of a more equitable system—one that prioritizes paid parental leave, safe communities, and accessible childcare—remains a distant goal yet essential for fostering happier, more independent children in the United States.
Further Insights
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