I have an ongoing issue with my 17-year-old son, “Jacob.” He is quite intelligent, which sometimes leads him to believe he knows better than adults in almost every situation. This behavior is typical teenage contrariness and nothing extraordinary. Jacob is subject to restrictions on his phone and internet usage, and he is aware that my husband and I supervise him closely.
The problem arose when he acquired a car, granting him the freedom to visit numerous places that may not be suitable. Given his adeptness with electronics, I harbored doubts about relying solely on his phone for accurate location tracking, especially if he decided to abandon it somewhere. To address this concern, I discreetly placed an inexpensive phone under the compartment housing the spare tire, enabling me to monitor his driving whereabouts. Approximately three weeks ago, while changing a flat tire, Jacob stumbled upon the phone, discerned its purpose, and subsequently ceased communication with me altogether.
In the rare event that he needs to convey a message, he will write it down, pass it to his younger sister, and have her deliver it to me. Although he joins us for dinner, he avoids interaction with me beyond that, exiting the room upon my entry.
I acknowledge his feelings of oppression and dramatic response, but his reaction appears disproportionate considering his awareness of the monitoring. It is crucial for him to comprehend the risks present in the world and recognize that, despite his desires, he is still a minor and cannot roam freely. He possesses his whole future ahead of him, yet he consistently seeks to hasten into his desired activities. I am uncertain how to persuade him to see reason, particularly since he adamantly refuses meaningful communication with me.
—At Wit’s End
Dear Wit’s End,
Given Jacob’s awareness of your ability to track his primary phone and oversee his online activities, it seems evident that his primary issue stems from the lack of transparency regarding the hidden tracker phone in his car. Employing a covert tracker represents a shortcut, bypassing open discussions with your son, establishing clear rules and expectations, and addressing any deviations from those guidelines. While these conversations and boundary-setting exercises can be challenging, navigating such situations is an integral aspect of parenting. It is imperative to initiate these difficult conversations, allowing adolescents to test boundaries while holding them accountable before resorting to clandestine tracking methods.
To mend the strained relationship with your son, prioritize reconciliation over attempting to impose your perspective on him or trivializing his emotions by labeling them as “oppressive and dramatic.” Respect his feelings of anger, betrayal, and hurt without invalidating them. If there is no substantial reason to distrust Jacob significantly beyond typical teenage behavior, it is crucial to evaluate the underlying reasons for this lack of trust. Have you discussed your concerns with your husband? Have you both explored alternative approaches to address these issues with Jacob before resorting to secretive measures? Acknowledge that part of preparing Jacob for adulthood involves fostering self-trust and autonomy while instilling a sense of responsibility.
Consider extending a genuine apology to Jacob, acknowledging the mistake of concealing the tracker without prior discussion. Express remorse for the lack of transparency and emphasize the importance of mutual trust and safety. Engage in open dialogues with Jacob regarding safety measures, driving protocols, and location tracking expectations. Consistent and honest communication with your 17-year-old son is paramount, emphasizing trust and mutual respect unless he breaches this trust. Treat Jacob as a trustworthy individual deserving of your confidence.
—Nicole
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