Adapted from an online conversation.
Dear Carolyn: I have recently requested my husband to move out, citing a temporary separation for a week. However, the truth is, the relief of not constantly facing the underlying simmering anger has been immense. This anger has started surfacing more frequently, especially towards one of our elementary-age children who seems to trigger him. The day I asked him to leave, there was an incident that thankfully did not result in any injuries, but it did raise concerns about safety.
While we still communicate regularly about household matters, I have not been completely honest. I suggested that he should attend parenting classes and address his anger issues before returning. The reality is, I am unsure if I even want him to return. The years of negativity and anger that accompany his ongoing battle with depression, along with his visible discomfort in dealing with family responsibilities, now overshadow the good times we once shared.
Despite undergoing multiple treatment approaches and even seeking help at a psychiatric facility, he seems reluctant to engage in any emotional healing work. I am uncertain whether I can envision a future living with someone who requires guidance to simply find joy in family life. I do not view our relationship as a mere test of endurance.
Nevertheless, I genuinely wish him well. I also fear that being truthful about my reluctance to reconcile could potentially trigger self-harm due to his fragile mental state. In terms of financial resources, we have the means to afford a small secondary living space if needed.
I am seeking guidance on what steps to take next as I feel lost in this situation.
— Now What?
Now What?: Your current circumstances sound incredibly challenging, and I empathize with the tough decisions you are facing. It is commendable that you have taken a proactive step to ensure the well-being of everyone involved. The specifics of the “incident” are still murky, although there might be violent undertones. It is crucial to seek support from thehotline.org, especially during separations, as the risk of violence can be heightened during such transitions, particularly if your husband is emotionally unstable.
Considering the above, I understand your hesitation in expressing your desire to end the marriage. However, this separation could also serve as an opportunity for your husband to prioritize his mental health, provided he is willing to acknowledge and address it.
Balancing the responsibilities of parenting alongside struggling with mental health challenges may have overwhelmed him, possibly contributing to the lack of progress in his treatments. Encourage him to utilize this time apart not only for parenting skills but also for his own well-being.
Regarding the future, it is okay not to have all the answers at this moment. Your primary focus should be on ensuring the safety and welfare of your children until you can navigate the complexities of the situation.
By setting a standard for him to work through his issues, you have established a clear boundary for any potential reconciliation. Any future discussions about reuniting should only involve a version of him that has demonstrated significant progress and stability over an extended period.
Seeking local counseling services recommended by the hotline can provide ongoing support as you navigate this challenging period. Separations are tough for anyone, especially with children involved, and more so when mental health concerns are present. It is essential to have professional guidance and support to address these complexities effectively. Take care.