Dear Carolyn: Recently, we received the news that my wife is expecting our first child. While this should be a time of celebration, I find myself overwhelmed with both joy and fear. This marks her third pregnancy, with the previous two ending in miscarriage. The devastation from those losses lingers, and I sense that this pregnancy is our final opportunity. After over two years of trying, and both of us in our late 30s, the stakes feel high.
The primary issue we face is the collective stress we are experiencing. I find myself constantly on edge, losing sleep, and bombarding my wife with questions like, “Are you feeling sick?” “Are your breasts tender?” “Are you fatigued?” My intention is to reassure myself that she is still experiencing pregnancy symptoms, but I can see that it’s taking a toll on her.
Undoubtedly, my wife is also anxious. She has endured the pain and physical trauma of the previous miscarriages, while I could only witness her suffering.
She rightfully expects me to “be strong for both of us” this time around. However, maintaining composure is easier said than done when every moment of normalcy from her triggers my fear of another loss. How can I find the strength to support her, even if it means pretending at times?
— Not So Strong in D.C.
Not So Strong in D.C.: Firstly, congratulations on this wonderful news. I empathize with your preparedness for potential heartbreak. Yet, anticipating the worst won’t prevent it or lessen the pain if it occurs.
Remind yourself frequently of this fact, especially before questioning your wife about her well-being. Your inquiries about her symptoms do not assure anything. They merely confirm her pregnancy status, which is distinct. Acknowledge that your queries do not influence the pregnancy outcome positively.
While this realization may feel distressing, view it as a form of liberation. You are not solely responsible for the outcome. Redirect your focus towards actionable steps. Engage in practical tasks like buying nutritious food, managing household chores, planning enjoyable activities, and undertaking useful projects. This shift allows you to learn what you can control and channel your energy effectively. If managing your anxiety proves challenging, seek external support.
Ultimately, reassure yourself privately and your wife openly that you will navigate this together. Regardless of the pregnancy’s outcome, prioritizing each other’s well-being is key to weathering this storm.