Several months ago, I welcomed my second son into the world. During my initial pregnancy, the gender of my child didn’t matter to me, and I was thrilled to discover that I was going to have a boy, especially since my partner had a strong preference for a son. Additionally, many of my closest friends also had boys.
However, with my second pregnancy, I had set my heart on having a daughter. Upon learning that I was expecting another boy, I felt a sense of disappointment and started to feel less connected and joyful about the pregnancy. To compound matters, my friends, who had boys previously, have now either had or are expecting girls.
I’ve made an effort to introspect and comprehend the reasons behind my strong desire for a daughter. As an only daughter myself, I share a close bond with both my parents, making the parent-daughter relationship the one I am most familiar with. Deep down, I believe I wanted the opportunity to recreate the positive aspects of my upbringing with my own daughter. Moreover, I feel that I could relate better to a girl and worry that my sons might grow closer to their father as they mature.
There exists a significant taboo surrounding this subject, with the fear that one may not love their child or be ungrateful. I have only confided in my husband and parents about my true sentiments. I cherish both my children dearly. Despite recognizing my fortunate position, I still struggle to overcome the sorrow of not having a daughter. I am disappointed in myself, but the truth remains that I feel envious and melancholic.
Acknowledging and accepting these emotions is commendable. You may be surprised to learn that you are not alone in this experience: Dr. Lindsay McMillan, a clinical psychologist specializing in parental gender disappointment, has dedicated an Instagram account to this topic.
It may be worth noting that many mother-daughter relationships face challenges, while relationships between mothers and sons often thrive. However, these considerations may come later, after you have processed your feelings of loss. Drawing from her extensive experience, Dr. McMillan suggests that this longing often revolves around a desire for connection, whether it involves preserving elements of a significant relationship or creating new, preferred experiences.
You have already hinted at some of these aspects and recognized that the answers lie within your family history. Dr. McMillan also mentioned that the yearning for a daughter could be linked to an increased awareness of the inevitable loss of your own mother as you transition into motherhood yourself. Does this resonate with you?
Furthermore, Dr. McMillan suggested that you may be struggling to reconcile your envisioned motherhood with the reality you are experiencing. Concerns about feeling left out among friends or even within your family circle may be contributing to this internal conflict. Ideas about parenting a daughter might feel more familiar to you, unlike navigating the upbringing of sons.
Dr. McMillan also touched upon the concept of ambiguous loss, where we mourn the absence of something we never had: “By investing time in thoughts about a daughter, she becomes psychologically present, making the absence of her and the relationship a loss that may not be easily understood by others.”
While it is natural to harbor these emotions, it is crucial never to express them in front of your children. Such remarks, even if made years later, can have lasting repercussions.
“Your mind is attuned to potential future losses without a mother-daughter bond. How can you nurture essential elements of this connection with your sons?” Dr. McMillan proposed exploring ways to demonstrate care and kindness, which transcend gender. How can you exemplify, encourage, and instill crucial values in your children? Remind yourself gently that as a parent, you wield significant influence.
Dealing with the challenges of raising two children can be demanding. If you find yourself struggling emotionally or facing difficulties in bonding with your child, it is advisable to seek support. Dr. McMillan recommended Parenthood in Mind for access to specialized perinatal therapists.
Your feelings are valid, and addressing them openly can aid in processing and understanding them. Reflect on the kind of relationship you aspire to have with your children, as you possess the ability to shape this dynamic.
For personalized advice on personal matters, you can reach out to Annalisa Barbieri, who addresses reader-submitted issues weekly. To seek guidance from Annalisa, kindly send your concerns to [email protected]. Please note that Annalisa is unable to engage in individual correspondence, and submissions are subject to terms and conditions.
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