“This article is a segment of the Scientific American column The Science of Parenting. For more information, please visit here.”
Frequently, I hear the lament, “That’s not fair!” resonating in my home from my two young children. Their grievances range from the perceived injustice of adult privileges like staying up late to smaller matters such as dessert distribution or the absence of a pool.
As a researcher delving into children’s understanding of fairness, I anticipated these moments. Nevertheless, I find myself taken aback by how their complaints about seemingly trivial issues can provoke me, occasionally feeling like a personal affront. How dare they challenge my well-intentioned authority!
I am presented with various responses in these situations. I could resort to the cliché “Life isn’t fair,” defend the fairness of my actions, reprimand them for their attitudes, address the emotional intensity of their disputes, or simply divert their attention when I lack the energy to delve into a profound life lesson. I have employed all these strategies.
However, if we aim to nurture a sense of justice in our children, they must engage in discussions about fairness. They require patient guidance from adults to distinguish between mere preferences and genuine injustices.
Research has reinforced my understanding that my reactions during these episodes significantly influence their empathy and sensitivity towards those impacted by unfairness. To instill a commitment to justice in our children, we must actively participate as they navigate the complexities of existence.
The concept of justice is intricately linked to morality.
The journey of grappling with unfairness is a crucial aspect of moral development. Dismissing or disregarding their initial cries for justice can breed cynicism and apathy.
Children exhibit an early awareness and concern for justice. Infants display a preference for kinder puppets over those that exhibit theft, while toddlers exhibit a tendency to offer tasty treats to virtuous characters and unappetizing ones to malevolent ones. Children inherently value fairness, even when it does not directly benefit them. They are more inclined to walk away from an unfair game rather than tolerate inequality. With age, children begin to discern between equality (uniform treatment for everyone), equity (allocation based on need or merit), and the individual and systemic factors contributing to inequality. Their comprehension of justice matures over time.
Findings from my research in São Paulo, Brazil, reveal that by the age of 12, children harbor nuanced beliefs regarding justice. Those from affluent backgrounds perceive their lives as fairer than the world at large, while their less privileged counterparts view their lives as less just. By adolescence, children across different socioeconomic strata acknowledge the unequal distribution of justice.
While systemic disparities are undeniable, social class alone does not account for the formation of children’s perspectives on justice. Family dynamics and educational environments play pivotal roles.
Children who reported that their parents attentively listened to their viewpoints deemed their lives as fairer and were less inclined towards cynicism, even in impoverished conditions. Adolescents at a higher risk of delinquent behavior were those who felt disrespected or belittled by their parents and teachers.
Even in financially stable environments shielded from systemic biases, children may still encounter instances of favoritism, social media dehumanization, or authoritarian school administrations.
Zero-tolerance policies in schools often backfire due to their inherent unfairness. Punishing the peacemaker in a conflict alongside the instigator fails to consider context and intent. In childhood, experiences of injustice can evoke feelings of powerlessness, shaping their worldview. Unfair treatment breeds outrage and demoralization, fostering cynicism and disengagement.
Children who experience unfairness may perceive a lack of belonging within their social circles, rupturing their social contract. Those who benefit from unjust practices may become desensitized to others’ grievances, diminishing their empathy and care for fellow beings.
Conversely, certain schools adopt disciplinary measures focused on restoring justice. In this model, adults afford youth ample opportunities to engage in constructive dialogues and offer avenues for reparation.
I was involved in a study evaluating a school intervention aimed at fostering a structured and supportive classroom environment. Our findings, drawn from 1,865 fourth and fifth graders predominantly from low-income families residing in regions characterized by high inequality and limited social mobility, underscored the impact of clear rules and positive teacher-student relationships on youths’ perceptions of justice and moral character.
Interestingly, despite their challenging socioeconomic circumstances, the justice experienced within the school setting significantly influenced children’s courage, fairness, and proclivity towards altruism. A child who anticipates injustice is less likely to advocate for a peer, whereas those exposed to fairness are more inclined to emulate it.
Children must learn to confront injustice and regain a sense of control in such situations. Injustice can be disheartening, and every child will inevitably encounter it. However, the adults in their lives play a crucial role in teaching them how to navigate and respond to such challenges. Neuroscientific studies have shown that under adverse conditions, helplessness is the default response. Yet, even in adversity, individuals can cultivate a sense of agency when they observe incremental progress. Children rely on parents, teachers, and mentors to shield them from injustices and empower them to effect change.
When educators uphold fairness and transparency in their policies, children’s lives become more equitable. When parents offer explanations and enforce natural consequences, they instill in their children an expectation of justice. A child who is granted the opportunity to present their side of the story before facing repercussions is experiencing due process. A teacher who corrects a student without resorting to disrespect demonstrates a commitment to justice. Parents impart invaluable lessons on justice when they refrain from dismissing a child’s grievances with a curt “Life isn’t fair.”
When your child protests, “That’s not fair,” rather than reacting impulsively, take a moment to empathize with their distress and gauge their capacity to comprehend the situation. They might simply be expressing frustration and require assistance in distinguishing between genuine injustice and personal discomfort. They may be grappling with a minor injustice and seek a listening ear and some perspective. Or perhaps they need reassurance that their feelings of outrage are valid and that they are part of a broader narrative encompassing both injustice and tragedy.
Allow children to articulate their perspectives, establish consistent consequences, and guide them towards making amends.
Encouraging children to believe that life is perpetually fair sets them up for disillusionment when faced with adversity. Conversely, instilling a belief that life is inherently unjust can strip children of their sense of agency, potentially leading to cynicism and despondency.
The world is rife with injustices, and it is my responsibility not to shield my children from this reality. Those who cling to the notion of a just world often resort to victim-blaming as a coping mechanism, attributing misfortunes to the victims to assuage their own vulnerability. While this response is a natural defense mechanism, it erodes empathy and impedes character development.
Children must engage with the concept of justice, grapple with it, and translate their reflections into action. Acknowledging unfairness and striving for justice represent the most rational course of action in a world fraught with pain.
Recently, my son forfeited his cookie privileges for the day due to his poor attitude at breakfast. Surprisingly, my daughter opted not to indulge in her cookie either, demonstrating solidarity with her brother and a commitment to equality driven by a sense of justice. She comprehends that certain privileges, like staying up late, are contingent on factors like age. She grasps the principle of equity and understands the importance of exercising restraint. These seemingly inconsequential family moments contribute to a broader narrative.
Despite my initial inclination to engage in a debate when my children cry out, “That’s not fair,” I am reminded to exercise restraint and allow them the space to contemplate and articulate their perspectives.
My aspiration is to equip my children with the discernment to identify genuine injustices and comprehend the impact of their actions. I aim to nurture their courage to advocate for those facing online ridicule and to lend an ear to differing viewpoints. By fostering sensitivity and resilience, I hope to empower them to confront both personal and societal injustices proactively.