Care and Feeding serves as Slate’s parenting advice column. Do you have a question for Care and Feeding? Feel free to submit it here .
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a seemingly simple yet potentially complex question—does it constitute as bribing your child if you offer them something you already intended to provide? As I navigate the challenges of getting my strong-willed 2-year-old to comply with my requests, I often resort to the approach of “after you do X, you can have/do Y.” Sometimes, it involves a tangible “treat,” like a planned ice cream outing later that day, while other times, it pertains to an activity I had scheduled with her or something she enjoys and I don’t mind doing whenever she wants, such as reading a favorite book together or attending a class she loves. These are things I feel comfortable offering as a parent, and I do follow through on withholding them if she doesn’t cooperate (which is rare so far). However, there’s a lingering concern that I might be overly reliant on external incentives rather than fostering her understanding of the importance of tasks for their own sake. I’m uncertain about what is developmentally appropriate to expect from her in terms of grasping this concept at her age. Can you provide some insight?
—Torn Negotiator
Dear Torn,
The effectiveness of your approach may depend on your 2-year-old’s ability to comprehend your requests and the reasons behind them. What you’re describing seems more like positive reinforcement rather than bribery. It’s natural for children to learn concepts like patience, sequencing, and cause and effect through the repetition of “if we do X, then we get to do Y.” Essentially, you’re not just instructing her to complete tasks arbitrarily; you’re also providing context and rationale for why certain actions are necessary. For instance, we wear shoes to go out, we finish our meals to enjoy dessert, or we endure a long, dull car ride to reach a fun destination.
Negative reinforcement, on the other hand, should be approached cautiously as it could lead to issues if overused. While children must understand the consequences of their actions, removing privileges they typically enjoy—such as a bedtime story or a weekly activity—might come across as excessively punitive, creating a perception that every positive experience must be earned.
It’s important to acknowledge that expecting 100% compliance from a 2-year-old is unrealistic. Finding a balance between requests, rewards, and consequences is key. Utilizing positive reinforcement, accompanied by simple explanations tailored to your child’s comprehension, is a valid approach. As she grows older, she will hopefully grasp the intrinsic value of tasks, even in the absence of external rewards like ice cream.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother is an EXCEPTIONAL grandmother. Despite the geographical distance between us (we reside on opposite coasts), she maintains a wonderful, close bond with my daughter. She takes pride in supplementing my daughter’s belongings with “nicer” items, given that our budget is tight, and their financial situation allows for more flexibility. However, the gifts often veer far from our needs or preferences. While I graciously utilize what I can and donate the rest discreetly, I’ve attempted subtle hints at stores aligning with our lifestyle or taste, emphasizing a preference for experiences or visits over material items. Despite these efforts, the influx of gifts continues to rise, causing overwhelm. Amazon packages arrive frequently, and I’m struggling to manage the situation. I detest waste, yearn for outfits that align with our style, prefer experiences over possessions, and aim to avoid hurting my mom’s feelings. How can I broach this topic without seeming unappreciative?
—Limited Choices
Dear Limited Choices,
Expressing your needs and desires doesn’t equate to ingratitude for your mother’s thoughtfulness and generosity. Since subtle hints haven’t yielded the desired outcome, consider being more direct about your preferences while reaffirming your gratitude for her love and involvement in your daughter’s life. To streamline the process, you could create a wishlist on Amazon, updating it with items that meet your requirements. Additionally, if your daughter can articulate her preferences, involve her in the selection process and share those insights with your mother.
Requesting gift receipts for returns or exchanges is a practical approach in case the items aren’t suitable for your needs or space constraints. Redirecting your mother’s generosity towards experiences, such as planning vacations together or contributing to a savings account for future endeavors, could be mutually rewarding. Approach these suggestions as possibilities rather than entitlements, considering your mother’s eagerness to support your family.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are at a crossroads regarding expanding our family. While I desire another child, he is content with our two sons (aged 6 and 2). He believes we can provide a fulfilling life for our sons without additional siblings. It’s worth noting that a part of me yearns for a daughter, hoping to recreate the special bond I share with my mother. I understand the illogical nature of this desire, recognizing that I can engage in similar activities with my sons as I would with a daughter. Nevertheless, emotions often defy logic. We sought therapy, but it hasn’t resolved our differing views. The temporary agreement to wait a few months stands, yet each pregnancy announcement from acquaintances evokes a sense of loss. I fear it may take years to overcome this longing. How do we navigate this situation?
—Seeking Resolution
Dear Seeking Resolution,
Acknowledging and respecting your emotions is crucial, especially when they diverge from your partner’s. While therapy hasn’t provided a definitive resolution, it’s evident that both your desires are valid, albeit conflicting. The disagreement surrounding family expansion poses a significant challenge, potentially impacting your long-term relationship.
Considering the impasse, it’s essential to evaluate the impact of this disagreement on your marriage and future plans. Should your views remain unchanged, collaborative decision-making is paramount. Engaging in further therapy to explore potential pathways forward, even if it means maintaining the status quo, could aid in navigating this complex issue.
Dear Care and Feeding,
As a 38-year-old mother of one, I recently realized that my 6-year-old will likely remain an only child, as we have no intention of pursuing additional children. Upon discovering the perceived implications of being an only child through online narratives, I became distressed. Concerns regarding my son’s potential loneliness and lack of sibling support, particularly during parental illnesses or deaths, have left me regretful of my decision to have him. Existing uncertainties about parenthood have been compounded by fears of leaving him to navigate life’s challenges solo. Despite ongoing therapy, I seek guidance on managing these anxieties.
—Anxious in the Midwest
Dear Anxious,
As an only child myself, I understand your apprehensions. While I’ve occasionally wished for siblings, especially during my parents’ health struggles, I’ve found solace in close friendships and chosen family relationships. These connections have provided invaluable support and companionship, illustrating that familial bonds extend beyond siblings.
Encouraging your son to cultivate meaningful relationships and fostering a sense of empathy and connection with others can mitigate concerns about potential isolation. Prioritizing values of compassion and camaraderie will equip him with a robust support system throughout his life. Focus on nurturing his ability to form deep, lasting bonds with others, ensuring he has a network of caring individuals to rely on in times of need.
—Nicole
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