From the day my son was born, the one book that I have constantly been composing in my mind is about parenthood. The past eight years have been markedly different from my entire life before that. I certainly do not adhere to the notion that motherhood is indispensable for women or that we are inadequate without assuming this role. Such a statement would be overly broad and unjust to the numerous new paths that women are now able to pursue.
On a personal level, this journey continues to influence all my major and minor life and work decisions. I am consistently formulating and revising my personal guide on what constitutes “proper” parenting. However, there are no shortcuts. It is no surprise that they say, “A mother is born on the same day as her child.”
As an older mother, I had hoped to possess more maturity and wisdom. Yet, I grapple with the same uncertainties, anxieties, and dilemmas that most first-time mothers experience. I recollect how, during my pregnancy, I desired a daughter. Perhaps the collective burden of gender bias influenced me, compelling me to rectify the imbalance.
Over time, I have come to realize that nurturing a boy to be sensitive and advocate for equality poses challenges no less formidable than fostering a girl to be self-assured and liberated. Unfortunately, societal norms and stereotypes assign gender roles to children at a very young age. Toy stores segregate items for girls and boys; clothing and gifts are categorized into blue and pink, while phrases like “Don’t cry like a girl!” or “Don’t sit like a boy!” permeate our surroundings. How can one shield a child from such influences? How can a child be introduced to a more egalitarian and gender-neutral world without inducing self-consciousness?
As my son began comprehending the world around him, unsettling queries about the prevalent inequalities surfaced. Regrettably, we have normalized the stark contrast of individuals sleeping on the streets beneath towering buildings or juxtaposing stories of female accomplishments with reports of female infanticide. Such contradictions have become ingrained in our daily lives. Fortunately, some of us remain perturbed by this reality, continuously seeking solutions. When children observe the world outside our car window, I am torn between offering money and perpetuating a culture of begging, or refraining from giving and potentially disregarding their genuine needs. In either scenario, I establish eye contact, make funny faces to elicit laughter, and aim to humanize the interaction.
My son and I engage in discussions about these issues, and he poses numerous questions, as he should. Through these dialogues, children serve as poignant reminders of fundamental truths we must never forget. Subsequently, the most pressing dilemma arises: what form of education do I envision for my child, and what alternatives are available? Education has always captivated me. I attended a somewhat “unconventional” school in Delhi and later taught for a term at Rishi Valley during my gap year. However, in a city like Mumbai, educational choices are rather limited. While I acknowledge the privilege of enrolling my son in one of the city’s premier schools, it does not align with my vision of an educational institution. The teaching methodology is contemporary, and the students do grasp the material effectively, yet it is not devoid of competition, information overload, and the inadvertent drawbacks of abundance. I believe a school should allocate more time for unstructured play and ideally be situated close to nature. Instilling empathy and sensitivity is just as crucial as fostering a passion for history and science.
In numerous educational settings, the arts are often relegated to “extra-curricular” pursuits, lacking the significance they truly merit. Art nurtures imagination, self-expression, and creativity. While we advocate for children pursuing their aspirations, most educational systems fail to promote or expose children to the diverse array of opportunities available to them.
I even contemplated the idea of homeschooling. However, recognizing my diverse interests and commitments that demand my time, I acknowledged that I would not be able to devote myself adequately to this endeavor. Furthermore, I believe it is imperative for children, both sons and daughters, to witness their mothers engaged in work. This experience ensures that predefined roles do not take root in their minds.
Girls derive confidence from observing their mothers as role models, while boys learn to appreciate that women work not solely out of necessity but also out of passion. During my formative years, I was convinced that mothers went to the office while fathers handled cooking, cleaning, and, for leisure, painting! I am grateful for being exposed to such role reversals at a young age. Our beliefs and experiences shape us. The broader and more diverse they are, the deeper our comprehension of human interactions and relationships will be. However, this diversity also poses challenges, which I strive to monitor.
Rather than outright refusal, I endeavor to explore alternatives for things my child desires—whether it’s unhealthy food, electronic gadgets, or games that promote competitiveness and self-centeredness. The allure of these items, packaged so enticingly, intensifies the challenge. I advocate for the freedom of choice and the ability to make discerning decisions in children. With appropriate guidance, a delicate equilibrium can be achieved. This approach instills mindfulness in children regarding their actions and their consequences. My son is now eight, and our conversations about these issues and more are incredibly stimulating. It never ceases to amaze me how comprehensively children grasp and contribute to these dialogues. I distinctly recall an incident when my son yearned for something I was hesitant to provide, and in frustration, I remarked, “Why don’t I just say yes to everything you desire? Then we wouldn’t have to argue about anything at all!” Despite tears streaming down his face, he responded, “No, mama, please don’t do that. I know you say ‘no’ because you care.” His profound understanding, even amidst distress, left me astounded.
The most profound lesson I have imbibed from motherhood is the necessity to align my actions with my words. It is not solely about what I convey to my child but also about how I conduct myself around him and others. I strive to bridge the disparity between my words and deeds. I am aware that my son emulates me and my actions, often mirroring my words and tone. He poses challenging questions and confronts my inconsistencies. This is why I regard him as my most influential teacher—he is instrumental in shaping me into a better individual.