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Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother’s job involves occasional travel, while my father experiences frequent job changes. Although our financial situation was better in my childhood, it has since deteriorated. They currently reside in our old hunting cabin, minimally winterized in the 1990s and reliant on wood heating. In contrast, I live in a two-bedroom apartment in the nearby city with three roommates. Recently, I underwent necessary surgery and face a three-week weight restriction without paid time off, straining my budget.
While my parents’ insurance covers essential medical needs, my father neglects routine check-ups. Despite my persistent urging, he avoids these visits, leading to a recent health crisis with a hidden hernia. Unable to seek immediate medical attention due to insurance limitations, he now requires assistance with daily tasks. With my mother’s imminent work trip, she requested my aid in caring for him and maintaining the fire. However, my physical limitations and financial constraints make this task challenging.
Given the lack of affordable alternatives and their limited social support, I’ve devised a demanding schedule to juggle work and caregiving responsibilities. Despite my frustrations towards my father, I am reluctantly assisting them. Nonetheless, I fear the future as they age, foreseeing more significant challenges ahead. As an only child with strained family relations, I worry about recurring situations and seek guidance on preventing such crises.
—Daughter but Not Caregiver
Dear Daughter,
Considering your recent surgery, work commitments, and distance from your parents, managing your father’s care during your mother’s absence seems unfeasible. While you’ve made valiant efforts to arrange support, it’s crucial to acknowledge your limitations. If you proceed with the plan, emphasize its temporary nature due to exceptional circumstances, clarifying that future arrangements must be explored.
Communicate openly with your parents, expressing your willingness to assist in researching alternative care options. Emphasize that your current assistance goes beyond your capacity and cannot be sustained in the long term. Encourage them to proactively plan for future scenarios, considering community resources and support networks. It’s essential to establish boundaries and realistic expectations to prevent undue strain on your well-being and livelihood.
Remind your parents that while your current involvement is a testament to your care, sustainable solutions must be sought moving forward. Encourage them to cultivate a support system independent of your immediate availability. By fostering resilience and proactive planning, you can ensure a more stable and sustainable approach to caregiving in the future.
—Nicole
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