Dear Carolyn: I am the mother of a highly capable man in his 30s, BUT his eating habits are concerning, and I am anxious about his health and longevity. Several men in our family have faced serious heart issues, and I fear he might be headed down that path. Additionally, he leads a sedentary lifestyle with minimal outdoor activity.
I hold myself accountable for not enforcing discipline during his upbringing and failing to plan ahead. Seeing him this way fills me with sadness and worry, and I simply wish to cherish his wonderful presence without these concerns.
I understand that any attempt to address this issue directly may come across as intrusive and critical to him. How can I cope with this overwhelming urge to find the right approach that could truly make a difference?
It’s hard to accept that my role in parenting is essentially over. I focused on improving my own health through diet and exercise over the past two years, hoping to set an example for him without saying a word. However, the love I feel is overshadowed by distress. How can I release this burden?
— Parent
Parent: So, you dedicated yourself to “exercise and nutrition for the last two years.” Yet, you expect him to make immediate changes?
You only altered your lifestyle when you felt ready, and the same principle applies to him, even if it takes him another 28 years. He has the right and ability to navigate this journey on his own terms.
Meanwhile, you admit that you’re unable to fully enjoy his company due to concerns about his future. But what value is the extra time with him if it’s marred by anxiety?
In essence, we all have two choices: either trust our loved ones to lead fulfilling lives on their own terms and relish every moment with them, even if it’s not as long as we’d like, or spend our time fretting about the unknown.
Each of us will eventually face a point where things are undeniably not ideal, so I propose this as a mantra: He’s okay. He will be okay. Whatever unfolds.
If it provides solace: Your influence over his eating habits waned when he started choosing his own meals, and it ceased entirely when he could purchase food independently. This aspect of parenting transitions early on.
Some insights from readers:
Consider seeking support from Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. While your son isn’t dealing with alcohol, these groups teach how to find peace regardless of your loved one’s choices. They helped me appreciate my loved one’s company again, instead of fixating on their actions or wishing they would change according to my expectations.
Your son’s weight and exercise routine are not within your jurisdiction to regulate or critique, just as his control over your body is nonexistent.
It’s crucial for people to recognize the harm caused when they feel compelled to comment on someone’s weight or dietary choices. Rather than focusing on external factors like weight gain or loss, it’s essential to convey genuine appreciation for the individual without passing judgment on their physical appearance.
End of responses.