My spouse and I are parents to two children: a 6-year-old son and a 4-year-old daughter. Bedtime routines with our son are usually smooth sailing. Typically, one of us reads him a bedtime story, we turn off the lights, and he drifts off to sleep effortlessly. Occasionally, he may reappear downstairs after half an hour, claiming he cannot sleep. In such instances, we accompany him back to his room, read an additional story, and then he peacefully falls asleep. Conversely, our daughter presents more of a challenge at bedtime. While she has mostly outgrown tantrums, the lights-out procedure often transforms into a nightly struggle. She frequently requests one more story, and then another, exhibiting reluctance to remove her high-prescription glasses before sleep. Additionally, her favorite stuffed animal constantly demands attention, with various imaginative scenarios unfolding, like the recent incident where the unicorn toy broke its horn due to a friend’s mishap at preschool. These delaying tactics are among the primary strategies she employs.
To address this, I have devised a strategy that has shown promising results. We dim the lights, she settles into bed, and I engage her with a pictureless storybook for children. I insist that she removes her glasses before storytime commences. By the tale’s conclusion, she becomes more accustomed to the dark environment and is more amenable to the lights-out directive, provided her nightlight remains on. The primary lingering issue pertains to her stalling tactics involving the stuffed animals. Overcoming these hurdles has required considerable effort and perseverance, with the current focus on resolving this final challenge. However, a significant obstacle arises from my spouse’s approach. Due to my work commitments, I am not consistently available for bedtime duties. Whenever my husband undertakes this responsibility, he tends to give in to our daughter’s requests for additional stories with pictures, prompting her to wear her glasses again, and leading to elaborate scenarios where the stuffed animal requires medical attention. Consequently, the bedtime routine extends by an unnecessary 45 minutes. Although he expresses regret afterward, his approach significantly complicates my subsequent bedtime interactions with our daughter.
—Bedtime Challenges
Ah, the classic bedtime dilemma! As parents, it is common to exhibit diverse parenting styles due to inherent personality differences. While it can be frustrating when a meticulously devised routine is disrupted by the other parent, it is essential to recognize that imposing one’s preferred approach on the other is not always feasible. Therefore, it is imperative for both parents to collaboratively devise a strategy that aligns with the implementing parent’s capabilities. Alternatively, consider a radical yet potentially effective approach: assigning bedtime responsibilities to your husband consistently.
This suggestion is not intended as a punitive measure but rather as an opportunity for your husband to experience firsthand the challenges posed by an extended bedtime routine. If he does not share your frustration with the prolonged process, he might be better suited for this task. However, if he does experience similar exasperation, a prolonged period of assuming this responsibility may instill the resilience you seek. It is crucial to acknowledge that bedtime can be inherently challenging for some children, necessitating support in winding down, alleviating anxiety, and transitioning into sleep. While a structured routine may benefit your daughter, it may not be universally applicable to all parents. Although a 45-minute extension may be taxing, it is essential to recognize that this additional time might serve a purpose for your daughter’s emotional well-being, akin to your meticulously planned bedtime strategy. Remember, there is no singular correct approach to parenting.
Seeking Guidance from Care and Feeding?
Submit your parenting queries anonymously . Rest assured that your questions will be edited for publication.
Dear Care and Feeding,
During the COVID period and its aftermath, my 11-year-old child, Taylor, encountered challenges with anxiety and depression. However, through therapy and medication, Taylor has made significant progress, actively engaging in school activities and fostering a social life. Recently, Taylor has developed an interest in organized sports, which is commendable. Yet, due to the varying skill levels among peers, Taylor faces a steeper learning curve, leading to a recurring pattern. Taylor exhibits enthusiasm for a particular sport, envisioning it as a passion and potential career. However, upon participating in a single practice or game, Taylor experiences embarrassment, deterring further involvement in the sport. I aim to be empathetic to Taylor’s emotional needs without imposing undue pressures. How should I address Taylor’s aspirations of becoming a professional athlete, considering the reluctance to persist beyond initial encounters?
—Navigating Sports Enthusiasm
How about responding with, “I’m not certain, dear. The only way to find out is by trying”? It appears that Taylor’s aspirations are more akin to daydreams rather than strategic career planning. Whether the ambition revolves around basketball, pop stardom, or any other profession, this response remains relevant. Given Taylor’s age, it might be beneficial to emphasize that pursuing a professional career demands dedication, perseverance, and extensive training. Encouraging Taylor to embrace the requisite hard work, should that be the ultimate goal, can serve as a motivating factor.
In instances where Taylor expresses disillusionment after a singular experience in a new sport, gently remind them of the initial conversation. Highlight the reality that success often necessitates persistence, gradual improvement, and overcoming initial setbacks. While peers may possess a head start in skill development, catching up is feasible through continuous participation. Encourage Taylor to persist, emphasizing that mastery is achievable through consistent effort. Repetition of such dialogues may reinforce the underlying message, fostering resilience in navigating new challenges. Remember, every individual’s journey is unique, and setbacks are integral to the learning process.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Both my 7-year-old and 12-year-old children shared a deep bond with their former teacher, Ms. Smith, during their early education years. While my daughter fondly reminisces about her interactions with Ms. Smith, my son thrived under her guidance. Tragically, Ms. Smith recently passed away unexpectedly due to an overdose, leaving us all in shock. As we strive to process this loss, we have informed our children that Ms. Smith passed away suddenly after an illness, eliciting sadness from everyone. The school plans to conduct an age-appropriate memorial assembly, offering a platform for remembrance and reflection. However, given our small and gossipy school community, rumors regarding the circumstances of Ms. Smith’s demise may arise. Should we reconsider the information shared with our children, particularly considering our daughter’s exposure to potential misinformation from her current teacher, who tends to engage in gossip?
—Navigating Grief and Speculation
Misleading children, regardless of the noble intentions behind such actions, can erode the foundation of trust within the parent-child relationship. In light of potential speculations within the school community, it is advisable to provide revised information to your children. Engage in separate discussions with each child to address the circumstances surrounding Ms. Smith’s passing. Tailor the conversation based on their age and comprehension levels, ensuring transparency and honesty throughout.
Initiate the dialogue by disclosing that Ms. Smith’s death was attributed to a drug overdose, allowing space for questions and clarifications. For your younger child, define a drug overdose concisely in response to their inquiries. Subsequently, elucidate that the reasons behind Ms. Smith’s actions remain unknown. Transitioning to your older child, acknowledge their potential awareness of overdose incidents and focus on addressing the underlying questions. Emphasize the speculative nature of external discussions and underscore the complexities surrounding Ms. Smith’s personal struggles. Encourage open dialogue, validate their emotional responses, and offer reassurance amidst the unsettling circumstances. By fostering candid conversations and dispelling potential misinformation, you empower your children to navigate grief with clarity and understanding.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Following the unexpected demise of my child’s father, I find myself grappling with a dilemma concerning his estranged family. Despite their dismissive treatment towards me, portraying me as an outsider who disrupted their son’s life, I harbor deep sorrow for my child’s loss and extend sympathy towards his paternal family. While I have forgiven their past transgressions, the wounds inflicted remain etched in my memory. As I contemplate extending condolences to them, I confront conflicting emotions stemming from their past behaviors. Balancing my caring nature with the lingering hurts poses a significant challenge. How should I navigate this situation, considering the potential impact on my child?
—Navigating Grief and Resentment
Amidst the complexities of this emotional turmoil, consider composing a handwritten note to convey your condolences to the bereaved family. The act of extending empathy and compassion, despite past grievances, serves as a gesture of goodwill and understanding. Focus on expressing genuine sorrow for their loss, acknowledging the profound pain they must be experiencing during this period. Avoid delving into intricate details or engaging in direct communication beyond the written note, preserving a respectful distance while conveying your sentiments.
Emphasize the universality of grief and the shared sorrow over the loss, fostering a sense of unity amidst divergent histories. While refraining from additional interactions or attending the funeral is acceptable, prioritizing your child’s emotional well-being remains paramount. By embracing empathy and transcending past animosities through this small yet profound act of kindness, you exemplify resilience and compassion in the face of adversity. This gesture not only extends solace to the grieving family but also reinforces your unwavering support for your child during this challenging period.
—Michelle