Carolyn Hax is currently unavailable. The following was originally published on Nov. 15, 2009.
Dear Carolyn:
I have joint custody of my 3½-year-old daughter with my ex-wife, who recently remarried. Her new husband, who fancies himself a “nice guy,” seems eager for me to fall short as a father so he can assume the role of “Daddy.” Despite the strained nature of our divorce, the past nine months have been relatively peaceful. However, I occasionally hear my daughter refer to him as “Daddy,” which is disheartening.
I find his behavior unacceptable and have addressed this with my ex-wife and her husband. While my ex-wife assures me that she has discussed this with him, I remain skeptical. I acknowledge his parental role since my daughter spends half of her time with them. Nonetheless, I believe his actions are immature and disrespectful to my daughter. I am reluctant to engage in another legal battle due to the financial strain caused by previous court proceedings. What should I do?
— Anonymous
Anonymous:
Undoubtedly, you are the sole father figure in your daughter’s life. Nevertheless, she now has three parental figures, two of whom are male. Arguing over titles will only validate the position the other male parental figure has assumed: the “nice guy” who rescued your ex-wife from the “bad guy” (i.e., you) and shields your daughter from the lingering animosity of your past marriage. Continual outrage and condemnation will only strengthen his position.
While your frustration is understandable, I urge you to address it constructively. Despite the emotional and financial toll you have endured, consider seeking the guidance of a qualified therapist to manage your resentment and gain a new perspective.
As the primary father in your daughter’s life, your duty extends beyond upholding a title and preserving your ego. Your paramount focus should be on your daughter’s well-being. During your allocated time with her, emphasize not just your exclusive paternal role but, more importantly, your love, attentiveness, and commitment to her welfare.
This entails refraining from undermining the bond forming between your daughter and her stepfather, regardless of the personal difficulty it poses.
The rationale behind this approach is crucial: if the relationship with her stepfather is positive, having two supportive and loving environments will benefit your daughter immensely. Conversely, if there are issues in their relationship—whether stemming from his ego-driven motives or other concerns—where will you stand if you have already compelled her to pick sides? Preserving your daughter’s trust and goodwill outweighs trivial disputes over titles.
I acknowledge that your paternal authority is of utmost importance, and the naming issue symbolizes your rightful demand for respect. However, it is imperative to distinguish between the symbolic matter and the ultimate objective of embodying the ideal father figure for your daughter.