Hi Elaine:
When my daughter got pregnant in 2019, I promised to care for the baby during weekdays until she could go to day care, initially thinking it would only be for around two years. However, with the unexpected arrival of the pandemic in 2020, fast forward to 2023, and I am still looking after my now 4-year-old granddaughter on weekdays. I have been living in a property we bought in 2019, where my daughter also resides, while my husband lives 1.5 hours away in our other house. Despite his patience and understanding regarding our long-distance relationship, I am feeling the strain of managing two households, the distance, and the financial burden. Notably, I am not compensated for the child care services I provide.
At almost 70 years old, and with my husband being 77, we are eager to spend our remaining years traveling and cherishing each other’s company. However, every time I broach the subject of selling the property in Indiana and moving back in with my husband, my daughter vehemently opposes the idea. She expresses concerns about my granddaughter’s attachment and their ability to cope without my assistance. My primary goal is to resume my life without causing unnecessary drama or hurt feelings. How can I navigate this transition smoothly?
— The Best Gigi Ever
Dear The Best Gigi Ever,
Your selfless dedication to supporting your daughter and granddaughter is truly admirable. It is evident that you have made significant sacrifices over the past four years to prioritize their well-being at the expense of your own desires. Now, as you express your readiness to prioritize your own needs, it is essential to recognize that this decision is not selfish but a rightful assertion of your autonomy and well-being.
While it is natural for your daughter to rely on your support, it is crucial for her to understand and respect your need for personal fulfillment and independence. The dynamic of prioritizing her needs over yours may have inadvertently led to a sense of entitlement on her part. By establishing clear boundaries and asserting your needs, you can reshape this dynamic with love and understanding.
In moments of resistance from your daughter, instead of engaging in conflict or assuming the role of the sole caregiver, empower her to take charge of her own journey. By shifting the focus to her strengths and capabilities as a mother, you can instill confidence in her ability to navigate challenges independently. Express your pride in her growth and offer support in finding alternative child-care arrangements.
Setting clear expectations and communicating openly about your plans can help ease the transition for both your daughter and granddaughter. By establishing an “end date” and maintaining open communication, you can provide reassurance and facilitate a gradual adjustment to a new routine. Remember, your decisions are valid and deserving of respect, even if they provoke initial discomfort.
While the path ahead may involve emotional challenges and resistance, approaching the situation with compassion and self-assurance will guide you towards a resolution that prioritizes your well-being. Embrace your autonomy and trust that by honoring your needs, you set a positive example for your family to respect boundaries and individual fulfillment.
If you have any further questions, feel free to reach out.