Q: My oldest daughter, aged 6, is determined, explosive, and resistant. Whenever she is denied or faces consequences, she tends to resort to violent or destructive behavior. We have explored various strategies, and she is currently undergoing therapy.
When pushed to my limits, there have been instances where I impulsively resorted to spanking her, only to regret it deeply afterward. I have acknowledged my mistake, apologized, and emphasized our family rule of refraining from physical discipline. However, I am troubled by the seemingly involuntary nature of my actions and the lack of control I experienced. How can I develop a better awareness of my triggers and prevent reaching that breaking point?
A: It is evident that you are grappling with profound guilt, recognizing that not only is spanking ineffective in teaching a child but it can also exacerbate behavioral issues. Research unequivocally supports this perspective.
Your statement, “I am scared of myself because it seemed like an autonomous reaction and out of my control,” warrants further exploration. Could it be that you are dissociating? Feeling detached from your body during such incidents is not uncommon and could be indicative of a trauma response triggered by your daughter’s outbursts. Seeking guidance from a healthcare provider, particularly one specializing in post-traumatic stress disorder, is strongly advised to address these symptoms effectively.
In tandem with professional assistance, it is crucial to focus on improving your mind-body connection. Parent coach and trauma expert Sandi Lerman introduced the acronym LIFT to assist caregivers in navigating challenging situations. LIFT stands for Length, Intensity, Frequency, and Triggers, offering a structured approach to understanding and addressing moments of losing control.
Length: Reflect on how long the sense of being out of control persists after an incident like spanking your daughter. Do you experience lingering feelings of detachment or intense guilt throughout the day?
Intensity: Consider the emotional intensity leading up to such episodes. Were there underlying stressors or heightened emotions that may have contributed to the situation escalating?
Frequency: Track how often these instances occur to provide valuable insights for healthcare professionals and gauge your progress in managing this response.
Triggers: Identify the specific triggers that precede losing control. Documenting these triggers can unveil patterns and help you recognize warning signs early on.
By recognizing patterns through the LIFT framework, you can proactively address triggers and implement strategies to de-escalate challenging situations. For instance, if you notice a pattern of reacting impulsively after your daughter’s outbursts, consider establishing a plan to step away from the situation when tensions rise. Communicate this plan with your family to ensure a supportive environment during these moments.
Remember, the physical and emotional reactions during these episodes stem from a state of panic. Seeking help and approaching yourself with compassion are essential steps towards overcoming these challenges. Prioritize your well-being and seek assistance without delay. Good luck on your journey towards healthier coping mechanisms.