My entire life, my mother has recounted stories about her father being extremely strict with her and her two sisters, frequently shouting at them and restricting their movements. She mentioned that he was displeased with having three daughters and no sons. However, as I’ve matured, she has disclosed more details about him that have caused me to reassess my perception of him.
She revealed that he would hurl constant insults at them, deeming my mother and aunts as worthless, and harbored deep resentment and bitterness for not having any sons, which he attributed to my grandmother—whom he held in low regard. I discovered that my grandmother was merely 16 years old when she entered into an arranged marriage with him at around 30. While I was aware of the age gap, I was unaware that my grandmother was still a child when she tied the knot! My mother casually mentioned this, stating that it was customary for that era.
Now, I find myself torn. Despite living in different countries and only meeting my grandfather once every few years, he has always been amiable towards me during our encounters. He also treats my two female cousins well. According to my mother, he cherishes us because we are his granddaughters, despite his initial desire for sons. Learning about how he mistreated his family and the negative legacy he has passed down leaves me feeling indignant. I believe that my mother may have inherited her toxic parenting techniques from him. As far as I know, he no longer engages in yelling and is now a frail elderly man. I am uncertain about how to feel towards him now. Should I overlook his past transgressions, as the rest of my family does, or is it acceptable for me to harbor resentment?
—Conflicted and Uncertain
You have every right to feel angry without seeking validation from others. The crucial question is how you choose to address these emotions and considerations. Beyond anger, what other sentiments do you harbor towards him? Relationships are intricate, often entailing a blend of conflicting emotions. Despite his past actions, do you still hold affection for him? Do you genuinely like him? Is it challenging for you to justify your anger due to his advanced age and frailty, or do you wish you could suppress your resentment because of a fondness for him? Are you also upset with your mother for disclosing this information belatedly? Furthermore, is your anger primarily directed at him, or does it stem from frustration towards your mother for her alleged toxic parenting methods?
Take some time to reflect on these sentiments, allowing yourself the space to process and reconcile these conflicting thoughts and feelings. It is worth noting that many individuals excel in their roles as grandparents compared to their performance as parents (your mother might evolve in a similar manner). It is feasible to hold your grandfather accountable for mistreating your mother, aunts, and grandmother, while still harboring affection for him. Contradictory truths can coexist. As you continue to mull over these emotions, you may find yourself more at peace with the complexities surrounding your relationship with your grandfather. In the interim, refrain from pressuring yourself to adopt a definitive stance.
—Michelle