Dear Amy: My sibling and I don’t have a great relationship. Actually, my sibling has issues getting along with most individuals. (Our mother always remarks, “You know how she is.”) I can tolerate her behavior only in short bursts. However, her spouse is exceptional.
The current dilemma involves our widowed mother, my spouse, and me residing a few houses apart in a pleasant retirement community in the Southern region. My sibling (who is unemployed) and her spouse visit from their Northern home for two to four weeks at a time during the winter season. This arrangement has been enjoyable as our mother cherishes the companionship and family time. With my brother-in-law now retired, they have expressed their intention to transform into “snowbirds,” staying at our mother’s place for two to three months, rent-free. Our mother was eagerly anticipating this.
While these visits were manageable when our mother was alone, the situation is about to change. We are preparing to sell our respective houses and purchase a larger shared residence. The concern arises from the hints about my sibling and brother-in-law’s extended stays even after we move into the new house. While a brief visit is acceptable, a prolonged one is out of the question for my spouse and me if we are sharing the same roof. There are nearby hotels and long-term rental options available for their accommodation, but my thrifty sibling is reluctant to incur the expense, despite having the means.
Their extended cost-free stay with our mother was enjoyable, but if this becomes the norm, it is dissuading us from the idea of cohabitating. We are seeking your advice on how to handle this situation.
— Hesitant
Hesitant: I concur that merging households should be reconsidered until viable solutions are devised to address the extended visits by your “snowbirding” sibling. When your sibling and brother-in-law are visiting and tending to your mother, you and your spouse could utilize this opportunity to travel (if feasible) for the majority of their stay.
Alternatively, you could explore residences with an additional unit or a separate entrance, like a “mother-in-law suite.” During the winter visits, they (or you) could stay in this unit, with the option of renting it out for shorter durations throughout the rest of the year. Encouraging your sibling to contribute to the household during their stay might be more feasible than insisting on separate accommodations.
Dear Amy: Our social circle often gathers at each other’s homes, with the group occasionally expanding to 12 individuals.
We convene for lunch midday and sometimes for a happy hour or dinner. As an outgoing person, I find myself feeling drained after a few hours and wish for the gathering to conclude. I don’t want to cause offense, especially when guests are enjoying themselves and inclined to linger. How can I politely indicate that it’s time for everyone to head home once the meal or event is over?
— Fatigued
Fatigued: A clever signal shared by my friend Hop, inspired by his father, can be your cue for wrapping up the evening. The elder gentleman would make eye contact with his wife and say, “Well, Shirley…”
“Well, Shirley” has become our universal sign (from either the host or guest) that signifies the end of the gathering.
You can adopt a similar approach by saying, “It’s been wonderful having everyone here, but I need to start winding down. Can I assist you in finding your coats?” You might mention a looming deadline, an early commitment the next day, or simply express your need for rest.
Dear Amy: The parents of a son aspiring to join the Navy SEALs were deeply concerned. Half a century ago, I served as a Peace Corps volunteer in a remote location on the other side of the globe. Communication through mail was irregular, and phone services were nonexistent.
Some years later, I mentioned to my mother, “You never seemed worried about me, even when I was miles away.” Her reply was profound, “I worried about you every single day. But I would never let my worry hinder your journey.” Her unwavering support was a priceless gift to me!
— Forever a Peace Corps Volunteer
Peace Corps: Your dedication is commendable, and the wisdom shared by your mother is truly inspiring.
© 2024 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.