When my daughter was approximately one year old, my spouse and I decided to take her to the park on a bright and sunny day. This occurred during the summer of 2021, a time when the shadow of COVID loomed large over everyone’s daily existence, shaping the unique bond I shared with my daughter.
At that point, I was just beginning to regain a sense of normalcy, gradually adapting to the demands of new motherhood. Despite this, I still grappled with exhaustion and anxiety, feeling like a frazzled mess. That particular day at the playground, those emotions intensified. In a matter of moments, I found myself overwhelmed by a mix of emotions—initially, searing anger, swiftly followed by a wave of shame.
In close proximity, there was another woman engaging with a slightly older child. Struggling to keep pace with my energetic little one, I reached a breaking point when the woman uttered words that have lingered in my thoughts ever since: “This is the easy stage!”
Wait… Am I losing my mind while navigating what is supposed to be Level 1?
Unsolicited remarks such as these (including phrases like “Just wait until she’s a teenager!” and “You’ll miss this when they’re older!”) have the potential to trigger feelings of inadequacy in mothers, as noted by Sarah McCaslin, a licensed clinical social worker and executive director of the Psychotherapy and Spirituality Institute in New York.
“In those instances, you feel invisible,” she explains. “What we truly need is acknowledgment and validation. The most supportive gesture we can offer one another is simply recognizing each other’s experiences.”
It’s easy to compare our motherhood journey to that of others and reflect on the past. While certain aspects may appear “easier” for some, the challenges persist at every stage. McCaslin emphasizes, “There is no phase of parenthood that doesn’t present its own difficulties.”
A Competition with No Victors
Why do we feel compelled to compete with other mothers over who has it tougher? According to McCaslin, it serves as a way to externalize any shame stemming from our perceived failure to meet our own maternal expectations.
“When we engage in a ‘one-upmanship’ about the struggles we face as mothers, it shields us from the unbearable—but ultimately untrue—belief that we are at fault,” she elaborates. “It helps us avoid feeling inadequate or incapable of nurturing our children.”
Seeking support from fellow mothers who understand the daily challenges can help silence that critical inner voice. McCaslin suggests reaching out to friends who make you feel comfortable without the need for a perfectly tidy home before their visit.
This dialogue may also signify a concealed desire for the crucial recognition McCaslin mentions: “We simply crave [someone to acknowledge] ‘I see you and I understand,’” she emphasizes.
Decoding the Message Behind the Words
If you ever find yourself confronted with insensitive yet well-meaning “just you wait” comments, particularly from strangers, McCaslin advises that it’s often not a direct reflection on you.
“In many cases, it’s a reflection of the speaker’s current emotional state,” she points out. “The other person lacks the insight to comment on your parenting abilities.”
For instance, perhaps that individual is grappling with their own parental challenges or reminiscing about their own experiences with a tinge of nostalgia. Therefore, when faced with an overwhelmed mother, McCaslin opts to extend empathy. After all, parenting remains an incredibly demanding role, regardless of our children’s ages. Let’s strive to support rather than exacerbate each other’s struggles.
Are you prepared for what comes next?