We seem to be facing a crisis concerning childhood independence, as highlighted in a recent study in the Journal of Pediatrics that drew attention to a correlation between decreased independence in present-day children and the increase in mental health issues. A survey conducted in October by Mott Children’s Hospital revealed that parents perceive themselves as granting their children more independence than they actually do.
Thankfully, there is a well-researched method known as autonomy-supportive parenting that provides parents with a practical, evidence-based approach to fostering greater independence in children. This approach not only involves expecting independence and demonstrating trust in our children’s abilities but also assists in nurturing the kind of individuals most parents aim to raise: individuals who possess a strong sense of self and control over their lives.
The Theory and Science Behind Autonomy-Supportive Parenting
The self-determination theory posits that three fundamental human needs—autonomy, competence, and relatedness—must be met for overall well-being. Autonomy-supportive parenting is grounded in fulfilling these needs in our children. Failure to meet these needs appears to increase the risk of psychological and behavioral issues in children.
The concept of “need satisfaction” arises when these needs are fulfilled, while “need frustration” occurs when they are not. Parenting involves a continual balancing act between the two, especially when the parent’s needs diverge from those of their child.
In essence, all individuals yearn to feel capable, socially connected, and in control of their lives. It is likely that most parents who have experienced raising a toddler can attest to the fundamental nature of these pursuits.
Autonomy
The desire for autonomy is often at the core of conflicts between parents and children, spanning from early childhood to adolescence. Parents aim to maintain their authority and decision-making power, while children seek to establish their own autonomy. Balancing this power dynamic is crucial in parenting, where setting boundaries is essential. However, it is equally important to encourage and nurture children’s sense of agency within the family and society. Research consistently demonstrates that this sense of agency and self-governance is vital for overall well-being and positive psychological development at every stage of growth.
Autonomy, in various contexts and settings, embodies a potent mix of strong internal drive, personal freedom to express oneself authentically, awareness of one’s true identity, and a sense of responsibility towards others. Individuals who feel more autonomous tend to exhibit higher self-esteem, enhanced self-realization, better personality integration, improved mental health outcomes, and greater satisfaction in relationships.
Competence
Developing a sense of competence boosts internal motivation, which is pivotal in acquiring skills and, ultimately, independence. Internal motivation enhances problem-solving abilities and performance. Encouraging children to take on tasks independently, while providing support when needed, allows them to build competence. This process involves letting them make mistakes and tolerating the discomfort of potential failures, as this is crucial for their long-term growth.
Relatedness
Relatedness plays a significant role in human experience, emphasizing the importance of belongingness. Feeling accepted and connected within the family unit lays the groundwork for future relationships. Children who experience acceptance and belonging within their families exhibit greater resilience to stress and better overall adjustment.
Building strong, connected relationships with children is a continuous effort that significantly impacts their growth and well-being. Establishing a sense of relatedness is foundational for fostering autonomy and competence in children.
Envisioning the Future
Imagine a scenario where your children independently handle tasks like doing laundry, cooking meals, organizing for school, packing for trips, and resolving conflicts. Picture the relief of sharing the burdens of daily responsibilities and the pride of witnessing your child take ownership of their life one step at a time within an autonomy-supportive environment. This journey towards self-sufficiency not only eases the daily challenges but also allows your child to explore their authentic self and develop lasting independence and autonomy.
Parts of this content were adapted from the book, “Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children.”