As a researcher specializing in twins, I find it fascinating to identify unique behavioral patterns within twin families. During the writing process of my upcoming book, Gay Fathers, Twin Sons (scheduled for release in 2023), I encountered two innovative parenting concepts that warrant attention.
The couple under scrutiny, Andrew (an American) and Elad (an Israeli), crossed paths as students in Israel back in 2008 and soon developed a deep bond. Their union culminated in marriage in 2010 in Canada, where same-sex marriage was legally recognized. In 2016, they embarked on their journey to parenthood with the assistance of an egg donor and surrogate, resulting in the birth of adorable twin boys named Aiden and Ethan. Notably, Aiden was conceived using Andrew’s sperm, while Ethan was conceived using Elad’s sperm, making them half-siblings who shared 25% of their genetic makeup.
Their relocation to Los Angeles hit a snag when U.S. consular authorities in Toronto raised queries about the children’s parentage and genetic relationship. Ultimately, Aiden obtained U.S. citizenship while Ethan was granted a tourist visa—a situation that caused significant distress to the couple. Fortunately, the legal battle in favor of the family was successfully navigated with the assistance of Immigration Equality in NYC and legal experts from the Sullivan Cromwell law firm.
The narrative surrounding this family encapsulates a multitude of contemporary themes such as family dynamics, twinship, egg donation, surrogacy, and same-sex marriage, making it a compelling case study for my book. During my interviews with the couple, I unearthed two novel parenting concepts that shed light on their unique experiences.
The first concept, termed assortative parenting, delves into the notion of parental affinity or attraction towards a child who exhibits behavioral traits resembling those of the parent, without implying favoritism. The second idea, assortative cross-parenting, introduces a previously unexplored dimension of parental bonding, wherein a parent feels drawn to a child who mirrors qualities valued in the parent’s partner. These terms stem from insights gleaned from the same-sex male couple, each contributing genetically to one of the twins.
These concepts are not exclusive to same-sex couples and can be observed in heterosexual families as well. The notion of assortative cross-parenting, as depicted in Margaret Mitchell’s novel Gone With the Wind, underscores how perceptive authors can capture intricate familial dynamics in their narratives.
The emergence of assortative cross-parenting in literature before its recognition in psychological discourse underscores the importance of exploring and naming such phenomena. By conceptualizing these ideas, we pave the way for further research to elucidate overlooked aspects of family dynamics, benefiting both academic inquiry and public understanding of familial relationships.
As society witnesses an increase in families formed by same-sex male couples with genetically related half-sibling twins, the relevance of assortative parenting and assortative cross-parenting is poised to grow. Acknowledging and embracing children’s individual differences are fundamental tenets of effective parenting, irrespective of the specific dynamics at play within each family unit.
This adapted essay is derived from a comprehensive paper featured in a special edition of the journal Early Human Development; please refer to the provided reference for further details.