I’m not particularly sensitive, and I find it easy to brush off things that could potentially bother me. However, I was taken aback by some of the comments directed at me in the year following my divorce. Given that the divorce was an incredibly painful and emotional period in my life, certain remarks, even if not intended to be hurtful and said casually, managed to cut deep.
The comments that stung the most were those that made assumptions about my family, emotions, or past relationship; remarks about others’ intact marriages and families; and statements that left me feeling isolated and even more alone.
One of the most irksome phrases for me was, “My husband is on a work trip, so I’m single parenting!” This statement fails to acknowledge the substantial differences between temporary solo parenting and the ongoing challenges faced by single or divorced parents round the clock.
A more considerate alternative would be, “I can imagine how challenging it must be to handle everything alone while your partner is away.”
Another insensitive remark is, “You’re so lucky you get alone time away from your kids.” While having some personal time during a 50⁄50 custody split has its perks, it pales in comparison to the heartache of missing out on precious moments with one’s children.
A more empathetic response could be, “Let me know if you need company when your kids are away.”
Another common but hurtful comment is, “I know I can complain about my husband to you!” This places the divorced individual in an uncomfortable position of being the sounding board for marital grievances, which can be isolating and frustrating.
A more thoughtful approach would be to refrain from sharing intimate relationship issues unless there is a close bond that warrants such conversations.
During holidays, remarks like, “The holidays are so busy/The holidays suck,” can be particularly painful for divorced parents navigating split custody arrangements. Instead of complaints, gestures of inclusion and support are far more meaningful.
A kinder response would be, “Invite me to your holiday gathering” or “Let me know if you want to join in on our plans.”
Expressions like, “I would get a divorce, too, but…” followed by justifications can come across as judgmental and dismissive of the challenges faced by the divorced individual.
A more supportive statement would be, “I understand why you made that choice, and I stand by you.”
Comments like, “It’s so exciting you get to date again!” can be tone-deaf and fail to recognize the complexities and challenges of reentering the dating scene post-divorce.
A more sensitive approach would be to offer general support and refrain from making assumptions about the divorced individual’s feelings or experiences.
In summary, being mindful of the impact of our words and actions on individuals navigating divorce can go a long way in providing meaningful support and understanding during a difficult time.