In my extensive 33-year tenure as a parental mentor, I’ve engaged with numerous guardians of adult children facing adversity. These caregivers typically seek counsel when they are at a loss for solutions. This article sheds light on the profound anguish experienced by parents of struggling adult children and presents five essential strategies to assist these parents.
The Agony of Parents
Observing their grown children grapple with challenges such as academic setbacks, job instability, relationship turmoil, or mental health issues can trigger profound feelings of powerlessness and despair. The innate urge of parents to offer guidance and support clashes with the reality that their adult offspring must chart their own course, creating a dilemma for parents torn between providing aid and fostering independence.
The prolonged and uncertain nature of these challenges often intensifies parental anxiety, leaving them overwhelmed and unsure of how best to aid their adult children in attaining stability and contentment.
Parents cannot dictate their adult children’s decisions like puppeteers. However, they can adopt a healthier approach to engage with their grown offspring, promoting self-care while offering constructive guidance.
Alleviating Parents’ Distress Through a Supportive Mentality
Effectively assisting your struggling adult child demands a nuanced and multifaceted strategy. Balancing emotional reinforcement, encouragement to seek professional help, and practical support is crucial. Among the recommendations below, fostering open communication, empathy, and combating the stigma surrounding mental health stand out as particularly vital.
While researching the third edition of my publication, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, which incorporates scenarios involving adult children’s struggles, I discovered that exasperated parents of adult children in distress need to evolve into empowering coaches for emotional regulation.
The following five tactics serve as the cornerstone for embodying the pivotal role of a composed, resolute, and non-intrusive emotional regulation coach for your struggling adult child. These suggestions should be viewed as a supportive mindset rather than a rigid formula or script.
1. Fostering Self-Empowerment and Autonomy
Empower your adult child to actively address their challenges and seek solutions. For instance, Elaine assisted her 27-year-old daughter, Emma, in recognizing her strengths and capabilities, instilling a sense of empowerment. This process involved establishing attainable goals and celebrating achievements, irrespective of their scale.
Encouraging self-empowerment can enhance confidence and motivation. In Emma’s case, with Elaine’s support, Emma initially volunteered at an animal shelter, secured a position at the front desk, and is now pursuing a vocational certification in veterinary care.
2. Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Self-Care
While extending support, it is imperative to uphold healthy boundaries. Acknowledge that you cannot resolve all your adult child’s issues or shoulder the entire burden for them. Encourage them to take ownership of their actions and decisions. Additionally, underscore the significance of self-care for both you and your child. For example, it is more effective for the parents of Alex, aged 24, to say,
THE BASICS
“Alex, I understand you are experiencing anxiety, but do you agree that it is essential for your well-being to secure employment for a more structured routine.”
Instead of saying,
“Alex, how many times do I have to remind you to get a job by now.”
3. Cultivating Support Networks
Urge your adult child to cultivate and sustain a support system beyond the family circle. Friends, support groups, or mentors can offer diverse perspectives and additional emotional backing.
One of my coaching clients facilitated an arrangement for her adult daughter, a former military veteran, to explore opportunities in a military career. This initiative enabled the adult child to feel integrated into a potential new community, alleviating feelings of isolation. Subsequently, she consulted a recruiter and enlisted in the army with a focus on cybersecurity training.
4. Monitoring Progress and Adapting Strategies
Regularly assess your adult child’s advancements and adjust your support tactics accordingly. Due to our brain’s inclination towards a negativity bias that swiftly recognizes threats, we often overlook significant personal triumphs.
Acknowledge that surmounting challenges is a dynamic process, and what proves effective at one juncture may necessitate modification as circumstances evolve. Maintain flexibility and adaptability in your approach, considering the fluid nature of progress amid their struggles.
5. Enhancing Understanding of Pertinent Issues
Upon discovering Olivia’s battle with substance addiction, her parents undertook efforts to educate themselves on these concerns. Engaging in virtual and in-person sessions addressing codependency helped dispel misconceptions and foster a more supportive environment for Olivia to access beneficial treatment.
Concluding Remarks
Remember, each individual is unique, and there is no universal approach to aiding a struggling adult child. Patience, empathy, and a willingness to refine your strategies are pivotal in assisting them in navigating challenges and striving towards a brighter future.